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You know what's better than babies? Snow-globes. Because you can shake snow-globes.
"Are you there, God? It's me, well, you've probably never heard of me cuz I'm like really underground & shit." -- Hipster prayer
I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to fuck you. That's just how I roll.
My mom's writing me a note that says you guys can't unfollow me.
Dear Skinny Bitches, There's almost nothing more unattractive than listening to you be mean about bigger girls. Knock that shit off. Thanks.
Sesame Street's most important lesson is an unspoken one: the world is full of monsters, & a great many of them end-up being your friends.
You're pretty cute for someone I'll eventually have to stab.
If you're accusing me of thinking I'm better than you, you're right. Not as right as me, of course. But no one is ever that right.
When I see skinny girls out for a run, I like to yell, "You'll always be fat!" Because it's funny. And I'm an asshole.
I wanna touch things that don't belong to me.
The best part about being crazy as fuck is no one thinks it's a good idea to leave you alone with the babies.
I find that ducks rarely use their inside voice.
Dudes, you don't need a girlfriend to make you a sandwich. The lady at Subway will do it.
I hope that when the apocalypse does happen, it's just one Christian & one atheist in the world's most ridiculous slap fight.
How about we put a stop to this ridiculous idea we can actually end bullying & start giving kids the support & strength to live through it?
Stop it. Just stop it. Put the camera down, tuck your titties back in your shirt, and have some goddamn respect for yourself.
I'm no different than you: screaming into the abyss to find the comfort in knowing madness has an echo.
Look, it's not like I went into this thinking, "After I cum, I'm gonna desperately cling to you & sob like someone died." Just happened, ok?
Let's get mad at stuff that has no actual effect on our actual lives.
That's the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he's a wizard.