If you pick a pillowcase off your floor and it turns out to be your underwear, it's probably time for some crunches.

It's so cute when Dr. Phil pretends he's really helping people. On weekends, he probably likes to pretend he's a firetruck.

When someone tells me they believe they have a guardian angel, I like to punch them in the face and say "Today must be his day off."

Charlie Sheen has a 25 year old daughter. If you're looking for a chick with severe daddy issues, your search is over.

I wish Oprah would tell me which tweets to star. I hate trying to think for myself.

Absolutely no one in my life knows that I tweet. I'm like a superhero. Or a pervert with a dirty secret.

I dreamed that I died and God asked me what I had learned in life. I told him I really liked tits. He said, "Yeah. Tits are pretty awesome."

Tomorrow, I'm telling my boss that until I get a raise I'm going to stop holding my farts in.

My wife asked me what I want to eat for dinner. Turns out "the babysitter" was the wrong answer.

Lindsay Lohan said she's worried about Charlie Sheen because she thinks he might be an addict. You can't make this shit up.

Today, whenever my boss walks by me I will dramatically flinch so that everyone will think she beats me when they're not around.

The 17th rule of Fight Club is after the fighting NO ONE leaves until ALL of the chairs are put away.

I'm saving up for a helper monkey that will fling his poo at all those who displease me. How could life get any better than that?

My 25 year old son just asked me what's for dinner tonight. I told him there are two cases of beer in the fridge. I got a high-five.

I don't mind cold weather. I have my burning hatreds, my petty jealousies and my seething rage to keep me warm.

I almost have my boss believing I know how to cut hair. This is going to be awesome.

How the hell do these guys on TV convince women to commit murder for them? I can't even convince one to help me bury a body.

I heard that when Kate Gosselin went jogging yesterday, two twelve-year old children and a sailboat fell out of her Enormous Vagina.

Trying for stars on twitter is like trying to be the popular kid on the short bus.

Turns out Lindsay Lohan has been drinking while in rehab. This is shocking news to those who still believe in Santa Claus and unicorns.