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"Sex is like cereal, it's better when it's dry!" - a guy who has never had sex or eaten cereal
I want Chris Pratt's body.
Loneliness. Self doubt. Self loathing. General apathy. Frustration. Masturbation. Orgasm. Calm. Focus. Clarity. General happiness.
The world needs a real hero. The world needs a "Saving Silverman" sequel.
What did Moses say to Rameses when he was obstructing the view of his apartment door? Let my peep hole go.
"You know when you know" applies to both when you meet the woman you're going to marry and when you've pooped your pants.
I would see Ewoks if they played a live show.
fuck cold soups, man
Someday VERY SOON our President will be a guy who owned more than one Sum 41 album.
I had no idea being single was like 70% taking and sending selfies.
Eating an omelette while driving isn't the hardest thing I've ever done but it's up there with battling my demons and accepting death.
What do Jason Alexander, Rupert Everett, Paul Reubens and Faye Dunaway have in common? They all KILL IT BIG TIME in "Dunston Checks In."
Can't wait to see the scene in the new Star Wars where Adam Driver uses The Force to make a storm trooper sexily crawl on all fours to him.
My autocorrect changed 'chill as fuck' to 'chill as dick' which I actually think is chill as dick.
You should feel fortunate that your name isn't Randy Sundial.
You ever seen this show "Friends?" It's really great!
I've been having sex for over 10 years. That is so... FUCKING COOL.
QUESTION: How many Whole Foods Super Colon Cleanse pills does it take to nearly shit your pants at work? ANSWER: Two. Only. Fucking. Two.
writer/actor/guy who is pretty stoked on life
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