If there isn't some black dude whose stripper name is Coco Nuts, then I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

May 2012 have fewer quakes, tsunamis, wild fires, tornadoes, bad drivers, diarrhea, and underwire poking my armpit as 2011 did.

Hey guys who wear ladies' skinny jeans: Can you teach me how to hide my vag as well as you can hide your junk?

I just spent 40 minutes on the toilet with no results. I lay down in bed and all of a sudden, I'm two seconds away from liquid diarrhea.

Thinking about either moving to Africa or Kentucky so I don't have to wear bras anymore.

How come pantsing kids with their boxers showing isn't a thing we all do?

After watching 90210, I understand why and forgive other races for hating white people.

It's legal for me to retract a woman's license because she uses her turn signal to drive in one lane on a windy road, right?

11:58pm is the right time to move into a second story apartment and argue, according to my new upstairs neighbors.

Maybe Rudolph's nose was red from always crying.

If you support the Patriot Act then you have no right to complain about gun control.

I've come to the decision that if you fuckers want me to have supported boobs, you're gonna have to hold them up for me. Fuck bras.

If you're a fat nurse, you're on the same level as a cop who rapes women and don't get offended when I tell you that.

Sometimes I feel like the last woman left on earth who does not find Ryan Gosling attractive.

For Lent, I've decided to give up hope.

Andrew Pansini invented the parking lot, in 1917. You're welcome, Twitter.

Well shit. I thought one of you was a lesbian and then I enlarged your avi... Way to go looking more feminine than 90% of chicks here.

His parents nicknamed him Mitt due to the fact that he had to wear mittens to stop his chronic masturbating.

I get it, dump truck guy. You have a tiny penis. Why else would you have to mock getting out of your truck to scare me at a red light?

You joke that us gingers have no souls now, but keep in mind that means we won't be seeing you in Hell.