"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg." ~Abraham Lincoln

I sleep naked because if someone comes knocking at my door before 9 AM I want them to regret it.

I've given up on being cute in this life. I'm working on being poignant and relevant and sometimes pithy. Or even just awake.

HOLD EVERYTHING. I may have found the best advert EVER. http://t.co/UFA7oBe9

/via @b_wildered

@thelindsayellis "Jack And Jill: They went up the hill to fetch a pail of slaughter!"

@waynebrady I understand not everyone enjoys listening to Paul McCartney, but come on. There was music before the Black Eyed Peas, kids.

I'm having the sort of day where I'm thinking of perfect comebacks for mean things that were said to me between 18 months and 5 years ago.

“The Little Engine That Gave Up And Wore Sweat Pants To Work”

#BadChildrensBooks

I think one of the biggest mistakes we make in this culture is promoting the the mistaken belief that sarcasm indicates intelligence or wit.

America had 11,000 gun-related homicides in 2008. Japan had 11. Does anyone know if they play video games in Japan?

/ via @jensenclan88

What Mac-haters don't see is the Mac-lovers who say "Macs are invulnerable to viruses" are the ones other Mac-lovers don't hang out with.

Got a lots of new followers this week, and I want to thank each and every one of those gorgeous babes for their kind offer of a free iPad.

When women say older men are sexy they mean George Clooney, not me on the sofa in boxers watching Barney Miller until my back feels better.

@jdalrymple Another difference between a flat tire and a PlayBook? AT&T customers can get a flat tire working.

If you think Apple is too strict about in-app purchases, go stand in Target and try selling socks out of your backpack. See what happens.

“One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Chemotherapy”

#BadChildrensBooks

Impossibly fat and clumsy Cat is chasing a housefly. I've haven't seen a more humiliating display since I dropped my phone under the sofa.

“Guess How Much I Love You (Whoa. Try Again And Be More Realistic This Time.)”

#BadChildrensBooks

There's a certain feeling that I can't put words to that only happens when your album is for sale on iTunes.  https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/amplification/id596958038 …

Saw a woman I thought was wearing taupe fishnets but realized it was the impression of her car seat on her skin. 100% tweet-worthy, that.