You thought these people would understand that your gun rhetoric was metaphorical when they take the fucking book of Genesis literally?

Y'know who ELSE talked to school children?

Mr. Rogers.

Aw shit, I mean Hitler, HITLER!

I really like butterscotch, but I'm dieting now.

So hold the butter.

My wife, on not joining Facebook: "If they want to 'connect with me,' they can send me a birthday card. Otherwise, they can fuck off."

It's not possible to be a "Socialist Nazi."

The two words are at opposite ends of the political spectrum.

Like "Intellectual Republican."

Right wingers upset that Obama isn't praying in public today.

Yeah, but he isn't going to torture anyone either so it's kind of a wash, no?

Man, what a rip off it is when three people "like" something you said on Facebook, and you slowly realize you don't get Favrd for that.

What's it going to take to convince my HMO that these $300 headphones were prescribed to me by Dr. Dre?

I went to the bathroom today and forgot my iPhone. I was alone with my thoughts for 4 minutes.

It was horrifying.

With all the dumbfucks on TV toting automatic weapons and Hitlerized images of Obama, I can't imagine why the IOC passed on the U.S.

Lou Dobbs is on CNN saying Obama's not a citizen. CN fucking N. No wonder Jon Stewart is our most trusted news source.

Not one AIG or Sachs employee in prison, but we spend thousands of man hours on whether Lance Armstrong took drugs to help him ride a bike.

Dinner at Berghoff. This plate has more sausage than the last Internet networking event I attended.

I don't want to hear "on both sides" again. Nobody on the left promotes their agenda with crosshairs, "reload" or "2nd amendment remedies."

In Texas revisionist history texts, St. Patrick was a cowboy who drove the liberals out of Houston while drinking green Bud Light.

Yeah, I thought I lost my childhood once, but it was hiding the whole time in a cardboard box in my subconscious.

As The Office wedding episode begins, Fonzie dusts off his skis, and somberly tests their fit.

Well that was uncalled for. Tried to get busy with the wife this morning and got heckled by Joe Wilson (R-SC).

She's such a lady, she covers her mouth when she farts.

How many people did we have to torture to catch that terrorist?

What do you mean "zero?"