We were so poor when I was a kid that my brothers and I had to all share the same bath water... I'm so glad I moved out last week.

We were so poor when I was a kid, my dad once bought bagged cereal.

No one can do a fat, black lady laugh quite like a fat black lady.

I should not be allowed to have a phone once I start drinking...

On this day 11 years ago, George Bush was learning to read with kindergartners. Proud to say he is now at a 2nd grade reading level.

If you're not good looking, you're definitely not allowed to be a cunt.

I will give you a fucking Bj if you star or RT me :)

Men dress according to the weather and women do not. Ever.

You put the fuckin moron in you're a fuckin moron.

Id probably joke about sex more often if i actually knew what it was...

I wish I knew how to finger blast in 7th grade the way I do now.

If my friend leaves beer in my fridge, it's technically now my beer. Correct?

It's a rare occurrence sighting a fat person at REI... But when you do, you know they are full of shit.

So pissed when I saw that someone ate my Chinese food... that someone was me. Good April fools joke, keegan.

Why am I not qualified for the position if I don't speak Spanish? Ya I know this is Tucson... but its also America, you freaks!

40 mcnuggets for $9?! can mcdonalds employees even count to 40?

So I looked at my hw then went back an hour later to look at it again... And it still wasn't done. Wtf hw??

No body liked fireball when it was called Aftershock or goldschläger. Now all of a sudden everyone likes this pussy cinnamon syrup.

I have plenty more shit to bitch about than women... Thus causing me to be undesirable.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of EVERYTHING! Not much has changed except my age. :/