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I'm a lot more afraid of arewolves than werewolves.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive because eating with dead people is just creepy.
In my mind, people who still have Blackberries also vacuum with a baby elephant and use a bird's beak as a record player needle.
My favorite philosophy book is "Why Is Waldo?".
"I say, I say, slow ride!" - Foghat Leghorn
I'm going to start doing things WITH further ado. Take that, ado haters.
Oh GREAT this shirt has a hole in it, now everybody can see my head.
"Tag Team, back again" - Tag Team as they walk into the unemployment office
Not to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at taking that last, phantom step on staircases.
I'm 0 for 145 at pulling random books on people's bookcases and having it lead to a secret passageway.
That's about enough, parents who name their kids after cities in Texas.
What the hell is a tisket?
Related: What the hell is a tasket?
I don't mean to sound racist, but black licorice is terrible and I think it just stole my car.
Sorry about all the car chases, European outdoor fruit markets.
I hope I get the chance someday to remove my glasses dramatically and say "My GOD what have you done?".
In Britain, Ke$ha is known as Ke£ha.
First-time baller, long-time shot-caller.
Women treat me like a good loan: 0% interest.
Wouldn't it be more appropriate to put pictures of missing children on cans of evaporated milk?
Part-time twit, full-time twat
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