You never see the black wheelchair kid on campus because he's too busy getting his picture taken for the brochures.

Bob Dylan was awarded the Medal of Freedom or they're filming Weekend at Bernie's 3, I can't tell.

Do you ever look around and wonder what Darius Rucker would have made of all this, were he still alive?

You know you're on shaky ground when your new Employee ID badge is a Post-It note.

Police man pulled me over today. I said "I didn't know being this handsome was a crime." We both laughed as he put cuffs on me.

Bury me to Yackety Sax.

Still haven't seen Avengers, and now I'm gradually disappearing from this family photo I carry around?

I'm at the airport picking someone up. They just don't know it yet.

Got kicked out of Whole Foods because I allegedly "got nude" and "rolled around" on their display of "fine cheeses."

Glad IQ isn't measured by the number of times each day you frantically search for the phone in your hand.

We don't have coke is Pepsi ok?

*reveal t shirt of a Pepsi can flying into the twin towers. Shake head from side to side*

I fold the paper. Slide it across to the car salesman. Slide it further. Deep into his belly button. He fishes it out. Unfolds it. "I LUV U"

Did you know chickens die after having sex? At least every chicken I've had sex with has.

What if air is deadly but it takes roughly 80 years to kill us

I listen to rap in my car with the hope that one day a black guy might point at me like I just made a perfect pass in a basketball game.

When I type my name into Google it just shows me pictures of mozzarella sticks.

If a woman wants to grab my attention she has to really step up her game by using seductive pick-up lines, like, "Hello" or "Hi."

I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.

I'm not saying she's a slut, but she did name her kid "Steverandyormark" after his father.

Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.