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  • highwaytohelv
      helv @highwaytohelv

    You never see the black wheelchair kid on campus because he's too busy getting his picture taken for the brochures.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    quintywintiesCoatCzechIGotsSmartsCseashellsGeoroyograceetceterasodium_channellMelissaMcA
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    DraydenShadowsscissorliftnigeLandonCred____CountRockulaShanSays
    CountRockula
  • senorwinces
      Señor Winces @senorwinces

    Bob Dylan was awarded the Medal of Freedom or they're filming Weekend at Bernie's 3, I can't tell.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    sneakerz420chiesa42vonbunnieheykarlinlvvzzlinanneblackFredPollackMetalligretch
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    FrankFecesmjap58PissinBits________ShelleyBesselFavstar500FavsRGSpinkavengerAcuppaJoe61
    CountRockula
  • UncleDynamite
      Uncle Dynamite @UncleDynamite

    Do you ever look around and wonder what Darius Rucker would have made of all this, were he still alive?

    • 22
    • FAVS
    filigreegooseFussySaffaPogsLikerteamhendersond_rivera2________markleidnerbrandibrandiHeidiHornbacher
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    sav923caleb_seayBrotherwagsCountRockula
    CountRockula
  • WilliamAder
      Just Bill @WilliamAder

    You know you're on shaky ground when your new Employee ID badge is a Post-It note.

    • 248
    • FAVS
    GinRumMegrimpossibleMuffyTheFrogshurtcobainLoli_SugCPthehighboyTaylorVirtueFredzipfel
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    aruiguMizz_Laurennn9teen74msnMrTweacherBitchyMcTitsjustliziamsquirrelsnnutsdantop83
    TheFearBoners____CountRockulagoodballsTarekJan__________
  • djr_102
      Vanilla @djr_102

    Police man pulled me over today. I said "I didn't know being this handsome was a crime." We both laughed as he put cuffs on me.

    • 94
    • FAVS
    jumpdasharktissytassy13______FussySaffaGrind_n_RollKatarinaKrizthe_kizzleRapeyRapertondrunkNnaughty
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    ItsJuuliiasicherpolizeiscrumpet360lovesouvenirNoodle_Love1234FnooFlash_BeatboxTDot_Babs
    CountRockula
  • EireannDolan
      Scare-ann Dolan @EireannDolan

    Bury me to Yackety Sax.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    heykarlinCseashellsSteveMancinijerryRenekIDreamofJanie____maxpe_rabbitinskijsmcca01
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    heykarlinericccsuxxxTexas_StewCountRockulareapstadiarrheaouter_josh
    CountRockula
  • TheThomason
      Sean Thomason @TheThomason

    Still haven't seen Avengers, and now I'm gradually disappearing from this family photo I carry around?

    • 55
    • FAVS
    adrienneMTKmstevenson10AmyLobassoNerdsnWheydaliamalekBrianBecknerSuperJustEveWritingWilkie
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    IsaHiiroChyllinChocol8silkLet2ElisemultistarFavstar500FavsJennyPentlandjoelebean
    CountRockula
  • ryaninco__
      Ryan @ryaninco__

    I'm at the airport picking someone up. They just don't know it yet.

    • 167
    • FAVS
    mellimelleGregTheFuckjumpdasharkCarmel_ColemanalexhadzimaScenicleonedavedeepxeyednpainless____
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    cheekybarlowDreamrDeceiverMasquerage________NatyBietzjoelebeanhookmeupinitCleverRican______eliserose5
    CountRockula
  • karentozzi
      Karen (Tozzi) @karentozzi

    Got kicked out of Whole Foods because I allegedly "got nude" and "rolled around" on their display of "fine cheeses."

    • 299
    • FAVS
    kawaii_kakkoiiox_lipssnakep1ssevaunasaurusFattMernandezsteveperceDanKCharnleyRamosOnTheRocks
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    stevepercesamspaceyGiselleRenardekkphotoTheFakeJasonvidthekidChris_Clukeydpajenski
    loribuckmajoriamkrauseshahrouztCountRockula
  • Cameron_Slade
      Cameron @Cameron_Slade

    Glad IQ isn't measured by the number of times each day you frantically search for the phone in your hand.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    RicntreeSoundsLockeryanrikeennichols29SuperBeardHeroNotJanieMaiaMamacita_RickyLeBlanc____
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    DianneLaurenzoaline_romCoraGracePackFavstar500FavsaeaudiaCountRockulaHellraisinbgrrl__lejessica
    CountRockula
  • Hadzilla
      Jeffrey Hadz @Hadzilla

    We don't have coke is Pepsi ok?

    *reveal t shirt of a Pepsi can flying into the twin towers. Shake head from side to side*

    • 725
    • FAVS
    doridayanUntrailsmrsjohngoodmanAndLive2LoveryanneePeachCoffinlesterfreamonelizabethbkelly
    • 295
    • RETWEETS
    esachille32BamCakerTrumanBenedixHawgLegHendrixTomBanks1________brodiumcHlorideEmjayMj2atomsofadam
    5ick5CountRockulaCaseyMcCollumFattMernandez
  • EliTerry
      Eli Terry @EliTerry

    I fold the paper. Slide it across to the car salesman. Slide it further. Deep into his belly button. He fishes it out. Unfolds it. "I LUV U"

    • 114
    • FAVS
    lanyardiganRowdyBowdenHaihaneKunOhAnimauxweinerdog4lifedrewalbrightmeganshpettitDavidKlein5
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    robdelaneyjrfavstar1000favsTruettdrewalbrightemmacwalshKellylyKirkTheSticksImprovDavidLMT__________
    CthunicornCountRockula
  • ryaninco__
      Ryan @ryaninco__

    Did you know chickens die after having sex? At least every chicken I've had sex with has.

    • 1,668
    • FAVS
    LackOfShameRich_van_Bitchmarksterda2ndClancy_Pruneebcatsharkygomezkdevil68Possumsqueezins
    • 728
    • RETWEETS
    HandleOfTheYearLackOfShameLiamBentoComiQUECMusicmostafa_baydounOut_oFExiLEnotrachelbruceTheReal_Nobody
    QwertyJones3DanielRCarrilloCVTBabyHome_HalfwayBuddyAckerNotKarmaIGotsSmartssee_more13PoodasBrainCuddleYourCatMutedBSartistSarcasmo718Carmel_ColemanrenderuntocesarBrentweetsAllThingsCLEVEzachreinert03TheFearBoners____CountRockulaGlittermepink5____LipstickSpiceShotOfBullmdvaldosta
  • quintywinties
      coolgal518 @quintywinties

    What if air is deadly but it takes roughly 80 years to kill us

    • 951
    • FAVS
    BackpackerBooieMaresaurussquiblingjakestebbingNatstarCandyBeardSpiceashleyklejnaLeannWithIt
    • 382
    • RETWEETS
    NatstarCandybokonistthe_nadzJaxon_Dillingerzombi3kittenMasonUsuallydcaseyjoneserectspoon
    Longhorn_JR______CountRockulaGreenheadsOnly____
  • yoyoha
      Josh Hara @yoyoha

    I listen to rap in my car with the hope that one day a black guy might point at me like I just made a perfect pass in a basketball game.

    • 117
    • FAVS
    ObligatoryFuck4thm0nthfelypeGaviriaMalvinsRoomHiD_GrimshawDopeSteveElifcelloPirate_Twinkie
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    Inhale618moonsuit________OneEmiNarpldrTheAbenakirachelbeezyjessdaleyCynical84
    CountRockula
  • MattySoftmitts____
      Matty @MattySoftmitts____

    When I type my name into Google it just shows me pictures of mozzarella sticks.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    FeralFreemanheyitsashleyk____moshankegigglegirlnoelStantonClaire____weinerdog4liferorynotroyKevinBuffalo
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    KevinBuffalonesterbationRedRidingYoukimberliah78HarajukuBlack_VaginasaurussistrionixFavstar500Favs
    CountRockula
  • BarebakAssassin
      B @BarebakAssassin

    If a woman wants to grab my attention she has to really step up her game by using seductive pick-up lines, like, "Hello" or "Hi."

    • 242
    • FAVS
    brie_2349AishwaryaLaxmi9Immortal_GuitararrrghbriannaElminsterXjumpdashark_cammyxFatBettyDraper
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    WTFisMARCOSyoungelder01sageb1MasqueradedLady__sarcasmforfree____mehavelonghairAglaea_Ze_French
    CountRockulaFallun_Angel__
  • EliTerry
      Eli Terry @EliTerry

    I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.

    • 605
    • FAVS
    CardinalCGdsfajhankypankytankytnylgnjhalm40davidpecarinadumpstertlemco
    • 347
    • RETWEETS
    scogsyjecherchelapaixGreenEyes0_0IAMSTONE22imence2cpbarlowATmarissaJoelStraley
    GreenishDuckinmynewskinMountainDouche____CountRockula
  • SarahFemme
      Sarah @SarahFemme

    I'm not saying she's a slut, but she did name her kid "Steverandyormark" after his father.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    JP_theAntiHeropreawsaurus__JermHimselfishSharpesEyeViewJenny4ashleyThePopTartJesusShipInTheKnightlvvzz
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    GregMillaSepIsDead__LegallyErinStuffZacLearnedjustwant2wineesta_xSalamanderxxSpecialist89
    CountRockula
  • JordyHamrick______
      Jordy Hamrick @JordyHamrick______

    Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.

    • 92
    • FAVS
    mincklecatblair84jackmackenrothcrayan9SinfullygrinchispypandaspotswojGarrettCake
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    AshleyGubtilKrickMartinhgouldpaineJustZakiyyaShanMay_drinkingsince84madamezoobleCountRockula
    CountRockula
@CountRockula

@CountRockula

Part-time twit, full-time twat

Tweets that @CountRockula has recently awarded the Tweet of the Day.