When I get old I'm going to trace every wrinkle on my body with a black pen, hide in kids closets, and pretend I'm a cracked porcelain doll.

I hate coughing on my period;my vagina automatically kegels out my tampon halfway.

All of your missing socks are in my asshole.

Eating me out is like tonguing a gunshot wound.

I like stuffing my anus with lots of unrolled condoms so that when I defecate, the poop will conveniently come out prepackaged.

I nicknamed my asscheeks "mudflaps" and my vagina "bloodflaps".

I unroll my clit like a wet shrimp tail.

If I stare at my shaved body hair growing back in I panic because it looks like spiders are escaping through my skin using their legs first.

Instead of saying I have crabs, I tend to be a bit snobby and refer to my crotchy crawlies as "ladybugs."

A mudskipper is when you take that 1st wipe after a messy shit & the toilet-paper slicks off your anus & quickly up your crack & lower back.

Haha I wonder what deaf couples sound like when they have sex.

I like tugging on my turkey waddle of a labia and pretend I'm trying to get old gum out of the couch cushions.

I have fucking period/shit cramps which means my vagina and asshole are about to sing a duet.

I love when my asshole wet heaves after a shit, just like the mouths of foreign people struggling for their last breaths in those gore vids.

If I were a midget I'd keep silent,grow my hair to the ground,drag around a dead bunny by the ears & always dress like a creepy little doll.

To feed my fish, I flick my flaky titty skin over their tank & let them indulge on my salty breast crust until the room smells like my cunt.

Whomever does a "sperm count" must be really fucking bored.

A "clambake" is what I call a hot pussy that's been sweating and suffocating under the weight of a heavy gunt in the summer heat.

My vagina looks and smells like a folded sour-cream and onion chip.

If you need deodorant for your pits under an arm fold then how do you think a pussy smells being swished between thighs & shitty ass flaps?