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When I get old I'm going to trace every wrinkle on my body with a black pen, hide in kids closets, and pretend I'm a cracked porcelain doll.
I hate coughing on my period;my vagina automatically kegels out my tampon halfway.
All of your missing socks are in my asshole.
Eating me out is like tonguing a gunshot wound.
I like stuffing my anus with lots of unrolled condoms so that when I defecate, the poop will conveniently come out prepackaged.
I nicknamed my asscheeks "mudflaps" and my vagina "bloodflaps".
If I stare at my shaved body hair growing back in I panic because it looks like spiders are escaping through my skin using their legs first.
I unroll my clit like a wet shrimp tail.
A mudskipper is when you take that 1st wipe after a messy shit & the toilet-paper slicks off your anus & quickly up your crack & lower back.
Instead of saying I have crabs, I tend to be a bit snobby and refer to my crotchy crawlies as "ladybugs."
Haha I wonder what deaf couples sound like when they have sex.
I love when my asshole wet heaves after a shit, just like the mouths of foreign people struggling for their last breaths in those gore vids.
I like tugging on my turkey waddle of a labia and pretend I'm trying to get old gum out of the couch cushions.
I have fucking period/shit cramps which means my vagina and asshole are about to sing a duet.
If I were a midget I'd keep silent,grow my hair to the ground,drag around a dead bunny by the ears & always dress like a creepy little doll.
To feed my fish, I flick my flaky titty skin over their tank & let them indulge on my salty breast crust until the room smells like my cunt.
My pig hoof of a vagina smells like boiled cabbage and the inside tip of a used condom worn by someone who'd been swimming in a cedar lake.
Whomever does a "sperm count" must be really fucking bored.
A "clambake" is what I call a hot pussy that's been sweating and suffocating under the weight of a heavy gunt in the summer heat.
My vagina looks and smells like a folded sour-cream and onion chip.
I love filth, blood and mannequins. I have a collection of teeth.