no matter how old you are,no matter how much of a badass you think you are,if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone,you answer it

Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!

I won't promise you a blowjob, but I will make you bacon.

I really wanna go in an elevator with a pic of myself saying "Have you seen this person? she's known for killing people in elevators."

Have you ever noticed that when pumping gas, women hesitate just a second before putting the handle back, and that men always shake it?

Why, that's such a lovely shade of whore you have going on. It compliments your bitch quite nicely.

If today had a face I would stab it in it's eye.

I just saw a girl wearing an 'airplane' dress. Yup & if it were any shorter, you would see the cock-pit!

I'll show myself out.

I decided to go for a run today. Got to the end of my driveway - decided I wanted cinnamon rolls. Walked back. Best. Idea. Ever.

I bet if I purchased the favstar feature, you assholes would start starring my shit!

Hell yeah I'd sleep with someone for the right amount of money! Just look at how many losers I've slept with for free!

Sex is just like mudding, you see the hole, you ease in slowly, then its balls to the wall til the finish.

Is it really necessary to write, "barely used" in your Bow-flex Craigslist ad?

Yea I'm a lady & yea I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

Sometimes, my cleavage eats more that I do...

I really need a sugar daddy

or mamma,

either or. I'm not picky.

To that special person out there...
Eat Shit & Die.

You guys don't even want to know what I'd do for a jack-n-the box taco right now.

I'm not kinky, you're just sheltered, now get back in that Snoopy costume and continue choking me.

Some of you really need to get off your high horse & maybe try a miniature pony.