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I can't believe the government is reading my emails. Even I don't read my emails.
New "no cell phone policy" at work, so per usual you can reach me on my cell phone at work.
DONATE YOUR TWO CENTS TO MY PAYPAL
How many calories does chewing beef jerky burn?
Twitter is the internet's Sandals Resort.
The email system at work has been down all day, so they just sent an email about it, but I can't read it because it's down.
Just blocked someone. Never done that before. But felt pretty good. (Also I feel bad but rude people can suck it.)
Wore Chacos to work today and got sent home on a zip line.
Just cashed in part of my 401k to get a shirt at Anthropologie.
Babies obviously cry a ton because they're single.
Anytime I look something up on Urban Dictionary I feel like I immediately need to take a shower.
Walgreens: at the corner of Happy and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS LOCATION DOESN'T HAVE A REDBOX???
No thanks, Snapchat. I do a pretty good job hating looking at myself already.
Finally closing the door on my OCD. And locking it. Then checking it just to make sure it’s locked.
Just ordered a kale salad from a food truck if anyone wants to know how I grew my own pair of Chacos.
Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
If you say Toby Keith in front of a mirror three times a bald eagle in cut-offs shows up carrying a six pack of Coors Light.
Buying a hammock is a good way of showing people that you have free time and you're gonna spend it looking like an asshole.