Twitter is the pillow we scream into.

Those who are heartless, once cared too much.

Twitter Lessons:

1: Every woman likes anal
2: Stalking is okay
3: Smoking pot is normal
4: Always swallow
5: We’re all bi
6: Pity is real

I put my sweatpants on just like every one else.. With absolutely no intention to sweat at all unless its over heating while I lay in bed.

When you star and RT one of my tweets but don’t follow, I feel like you’re just slapping me on the ass as you walk by.

You haven’t hit on me lately.



So who is she?

I’ll make you spaghetti & meatballs then fuck you on the dinner table. Just call me a lady and a tramp.

Mom: “Why are you drinking?”

Me: “It looked like the bottle was taking up space in the refrigerator.”

Mom: “Any leads on an apartment?”

There are so many deer taking naps on the side of the road today.

My brain is in the constant battle between doing what I’m supposed to or pretending I forgot about it.

Practicing my motorboating skills. And since there aren’t any perky titties around here I guess this cheesecake will do.

He only texts me when he's horny.


Thank god.

“I’m not here to make friends.” Stupid fucks say that.


I’m here to make friends on purpose. Lovers by chance. Enemies by accident.

You're my favorite waste of battery life.

There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Stop fretting, stop over thinking, stop worrying, just stop. Exist. Inhale, exhale. Sometimes that's all you can do.

On Halloween, if a girl that looks way too old to be trick-or-treating & appears to be drunk knocks on your door, let me in.

The last time I tried to have actual phone sex with someone the boy at Pizza Hut refused to deliver me pizza and hung up on me.

I dropped my cookie in my coffee so I poured it all into a bowl. Because soup.

I dance when I make waffles. Because fucking waffles people!