@CousinBrandon's most faved Tweets...
Seriously, my daughter is WAY overdramatic. Like I was REALLY going to leave the trunk shut all afternoon. Grow a pair, Kid.
This day sucks so much dick that I'm considering offering it a $20 to meet me out back behind the dumpster.
My indifference is getting in the way of my procrastination. Just the other day, well, whatever. Tell you about it later. Maybe.
I bet I'd eat better if fruit was shaped like a Snickers bar. And covered in chocolate. And packed with caramel and nougat. And not fruit.
Despite the fact that I'm also still standing, Elton John and I have virtually NOTHING in common. I mean, besides our wardrobe.
Call me old fashioned, but how DARE my boss write me up for masturbating in my cubicle! Um, hello?! I was on my lunch hour, Stalin!
I'm going as Twitter's Jewish mother for #halloween. Wearing a white t-shirt with an "@" on it. You know, since none of you ever write me...
Today I've: played with a dollhouse, built Play-Doh burgers, and watched Scooby Doo. It would have been MUCH cooler if my daughter was here.
Does masturbating to a picture of myself masturbating make me a narcissist? Pfft. Like your opinion matters. Hellooooo, Me!
My blog's just short of 5,000 hits, so if you tell a friend, & he tells a friend, & she tells a friend. I wish I had friends. I'm so lonely.
Perfect! I'm out of milk. And insulin. Seriously, I've GOT to get my shit together. Guess it's dry cereal for dinner. And blindness.
One of my students just left my office, crying. Sorry, Dude, but I only make that deal with the ladies. Now, then, who wants an "A"?
What's a valid time for a single dad to start drinking while snowed in with a 5-year-old who's been up since 6 AM? Good. I ALSO picked 6:05.
Maybe I'm crazy, but is giving a student a 69 out of 75 on a paper "suggestive"? If not, let me know so I can change it to "BJ. My office."
Going out tonight. Probably run into people from high school. Is it weird to flash them my @Favstar page and yell, "Who's the fuckwad NOW?!"
I just walked out after 30 minutes of my 2-hour Sexual Harassment Training Seminar because, well, fuck those bitches!
"My tremendous arrogance is equaled only by the size of my wang." - Gandhi (Okay, you got me. It was CousinBrandon. You rascals, you.)
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