Plant a damn vegetable.

Money can't buy ya happiness, but it can buy ya a dog. Pretty damn close.

My favorite drink is Another.

Nice job, Empty Chair. #Election2012

I ain't sure what a 'hipster' is, but I can spot a' overgrown spoiled brat pretty easy.

Redheads 're God's exclamation points.

Wake up. They're comin' for ya. Just like yesterday. Just like every day.

I don't drink on Father's Day. That's how I got into this mess in th' first place.

Whiskey's fer gettin' into trouble, coffee's fer reflectin' on it.

Nobody is perfect but Bill Murray is close.

My favorite pizza topping is a steak dinner.

Bread is just an obstacle between me and the meat.

Olive oil is coward's butter.

Once I punched a fella so hard he started agin' backwards like that Benjamin Button.

I don't say "Grande". If we're gonna pr'tend this is Italy you had better make some better coffee.

If y' ain't writin' y' ain't fightin'.

Plenty a folks rise these days, but not too many shine.

If I pay five dollars for a coffee it had better come with a shot a' whiskey and a four dollar bill.

A hurricane is a Buddhist disaster, it turns our possessions against us. #Sandy

Get up while it's still dark out 'n th' day won't see ya comin'.