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Sometimes I wish I had a 12" penis....
Instead of this great big bastard!
I don't drink anymore....
But I don't drink any less!
If you built a house to Thermos flask specifications; once warm, would it stay warm for up to 8 hours?
Don't u just hate these well followed popular types who say crap like"I scratched my arse this morning" and it gets * & retweeted everywhere
My wife and kids are leaving me as they say I'm obsessed with horse racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now......
And they're off
Woke up early, so excited as it's Lent. I wonder what presents I've got?
I want to be an alcoholic so that someone might feel sorry for me.
I keep trying but after 5 pints I just throw up and shit myself.
Statistics say 1 in 20 live next to a paedophile.
Not me. I live next to a 14 year old with a cracking pair of tits!
I've discovered that cow's can't drink very well. I'm going to have to stick to the grass from now on.
In 1978 I cried when my parents wouldn't let me watch Grease on the opening night. Damn you Grandma and your untimely death.
Any views expressed from here on in are alcohol related and likely to contain excessive hyperbole.
If a man starts using words like "man" "yo" and "sup" his penis length increases by 2 inches.
That's a fact man! Yo better believe it!
Excuse me! I think you misheard... I said I'VE GOT MAN FLU!
What?? What do you mean "you give up stuff"? This is the 21st Century. Never heard anything so ridiculous in all my days
This one tastes salty?!?
Had a friend once who got confused between the words fascist and fetish. The rubber fascist comment was a pure classic though.
At last. Finally got my diploma in breast massage!
Fact: If you are female and had a Roman Catholic upbringing, there is a 94% chance you are obsessed with prepubescent masturbation!