Sorry I can't make it to your party, but I don't feel like coming.

In Minnesota, you can't get a DUI on a Segway, but you still have to watch out for any unexpected cliffs.

Spinsters can be dog people. It says so in my handbook.

It's important to remind your tile guy to measure twice, cut once. Also, I may be getting divorced soon.

You guys are so wacky with the flirting haha oops I puked a little bit haha.

Most of my own twitter drama is loosely connected to a twitter romance that wasn't even mine. Point? Avoid that shit!

I wanted to blame him but it was really because I couldn't forgive him for ruining the perfect picture.

The cool refreshing taste of Coors Light killed my father

I bet Rosie, from the Jetsons, watches Robocop and gets a little oily in a certain ladyrobopart.

Hit on a lot of guys until someone told me it was a family dinner.

My IQ drops ten points every time I read your tweets.

I love people who say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. They never ask for one of your fries.

Cute is an okay look, but as an action it can go fuck itself.

I've got thick thighs and a thick skull.

BOOM. 5 star tweet.

My favorite nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

I'm sorry, but if your child tells me a lame ass knock knock joke, I'm telling him it sucks.

Just ate a piece of foil that was stuck to a Hershey Kiss, and I am okay with that.

If I have to choose between parenting my children and driving them to an activity, I’ll pick the activity every time.

Every time I see someone behaving inappropriately in public, I'm always POSITIVE it's one of you guys.

I always thought "never mind" was one word. I blame Nirvana.