I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her when the fuck she is going to be ready to go.

The heart wants what the heart wants, but sometimes what it wants is fucking retarded.

My commitment to keeping my phone charged exceeds anything else I do in my life.

I would pay favstar extra if they let me award a "Stupid Tweet Of The Day" middle finger statue.

To whoever designed all cups with concave bottoms, so they gather water in the dishwasher, you are an asshole.

I was masturbating and had to use my safe word.

Sometimes when my son comes into my room in the morning, I pretend I'm dead to see if knows what to do. He has no idea what to do.

Remember when you use to be able to call someone 57 times, and hang up, and they never knew it was you? Good times.

When I'm vacuuming my house, I pretend I am cleaning up after a crime I just committed.

If you aren't sure if someone loves you or not, they don't.

Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times.

Twitter: Where passive and aggressive fuck the shit out of each other.

I'm guessing no one here was voted "most likely to succeed" in high school.

I like my bagels like I like my women; lightly toasted with sesame seeds and a little butter. I don't understand this joke format.

If you miss someone when they are gone you love them. It's really that simple.

Did you hear that weird sound? It was the sound of things going my way. I didn't recognize it either.

I would like an "Are you sure" pop-up on my phone when I try and call someone.

If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

I am going to have to insist that my next relationship involves physical contact from someone other than myself.

If I park 20 spots from the store in an empty parking lot and you park next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.