It's almost 12 years now since the Canadians attacked US soil with Nickelback. We should never forget and always be wary of what's to come.

If online dating has taught me anything. The term 'curvy', covers about 10 dress sizes.

I follow everybody back unless it's a dick pic avi. If it is, I carefully compare with mine. Then I call my dad and tell him I hate him.

The final stage of strip club addiction is going early for the buffet.

I just jumped into a McDonald's Playplace so I could say I was balls deep in something this weekend.

It's not a proper blow job unless my dick is scared of drowning.

Girls on Twitter- Stop complaining about sex! I will literally fuck all of you and probably a few of you might cum.

What my clothes say about me:
"Life is Good" shirt- so laid back
Fannie pack- well organized
Jean shorts- pure swag
Crocs- swimming in pussy

If I keep giving you gold stars and you dont follow back, I hope you get beat up on the playground.

Girls don't get enough credit for blowjobs. Seriously, I can't brush my fucking tongue without triggering my gag reflex.

Let the giant black women with the Looney Tunes clothes talk during the movie, trust me on this one.

"Hey guys, I woke up this morning and went running." Facebook

"Hey guys, I woke up this morning and beat my dick feverishly." Twitter

Is it me or do people on Twitter only drink vodka?

If she never gags when she's sucking your cock

A: she's not trying hard enough
B: you have a small dick
C: money well spent

If we're kissing by the end of it, is it still rape?

I think if I ever asked a girl for anal and she said "SURE" with conviction it would mindfuck me so hard, she could put it in my ass.

Sometimes you got to just pull your dick out and see what happens.

A "blumpkin" has to be the most adorable sounding horrible act ever.

Ladies, remember dry humping? That shit was weird.

If I don't have period sex with a chick in the pool this summer in honor of Shark Week, I have failed as a perverted shark enthusiast.