Every so often my husband really pisses me off - in fact, I did the math & it turns out he's quite annoying approximately every 28 days.

All my tweets are pure fiction especially the ones about masturbation. Unrelated: my mom just joined Twitter. - @ttseco

Every time I classify something on iTunes into a genre, I imagine a little tiny music critic scoffing and rolling his eyes at me. - @stevenf

IE should always be pronounced "AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!" - @moltz

Don't be deceived by John McCain. Just because he's been signaling for the last few miles, doesn't mean he's going to turn. - @mogrify

It's a good thing fudgesicles taste so good because they've got a lot of ground to cover to make up for looking like a turd on a stick.

Gotta give originality points to the joker who wrote "also available in green" on the dirt of my unwashed GREEN car. - @rafitorres

Back-handed Optimism of the Day: The server at work runs a lot faster since most of my coworkers were laid off. - @ckwinny

Just found out my 401k has been reduced to three cans of tuna and a packet of ketchup. So, I've got that to look forward to. - @awryone

I can't wait for the next great dust bowl and the depressing novels that describe it. Too soon? - @awryone

Word to the wise: "I want you to be the MILF of my children" is less romantic than you'd think - @cleversimon

Large Hadron Collider went on line. Welcome to Earth 2. Let me recommend not going back to Earth 1. It is not there anymore. - @hodgman

Karen's at an all-day Buddhist seminar. I'm like "All day?! A fantasy football draft takes all day, but enlightenment? C'mon." - @moltz

"Judging from which keys are the dirtiest on my keyboard, I must type "NORP" a lot. Weird! Is that even a word?" - @fireland