Oh, Anne Hathaway had to cut her hair? She should have pasta with maynnaise for dinner and get some real problems. #Oscars

Sometimes in life your Dad doesn't go to your first grade play and now you make out with strangers in public a lot.

I always smile when someone is telling me about their dream because I'm thinking about a friendly bear giving me a piggy-back ride.

You cant spell "absent father" without "cookie binge".

I hope everyone who visits my JDate.com profile knows by "picky eater" I mean "I don't swallow".

Is it a bad sign if my date keeps asking if I'm a cop?

I really hope you cant get pregnant from snowball fights.

"I dont want to sound crazy but..." is always how I start any conversation about my ex-boyfriend and my burrito order.

The cute cashier at the liquor store asked me what I'm doing tonight, I got nervous and just said "I don't pay you to think!" then winked.

The best thing about being an adult is at any moment a bouncy castle can become an impulse buy.

Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Cialis.

My Mother just gave me that "the holidays are ruined" face because I said hymen and Christmas spirit in the same sentence.

Thanks to my karate class, now my diary isn't the only one who knows that I fart when I'm nervous.

I'm not mature enough to hear the weather lady say "penetrate" 3 times on the news.

I was in a BlockBuster and saw a girl paying with a check. For a second I thought I actually drank enough to time travel back to 1999.

Everywhere is Narnia when you eat too many fish food pellets.

There comes a time in every healthy relationship where you have to say "I want to Build-A-Bear with you".

I can tell I'm becoming a really bad hypochondriac by how many of my conversations end with "spiders in my vagina".

My Mother thinks its not attractive that I keep referencing "radical night terrors" on my dating profile.

My haircut looks like I illegally downloaded the "Labyrinth" today...