Taught my mom how to text. Next up, teaching my dad how to love.

You're mad he left $1 but didn't take the tooth? Well maybe the tooth fairy has a stressful job and doesn't need this kind of grief at home.

They don't keep score at 4-year old soccer but I KNOW my kid picked the most dandelions and is leading the league in hugs.

Two tips for faster jogging- (1) hot girl in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you. Also, if you're behind a (1) you're probably her (2).

I really need to hit the treadmill tonight after eating so poorly today and yesterday and the last 25 years.

Her: TV's broken, what are we going to do WINK WINK
Me: Dunno. Read?
Her: No, I mean we can go up in the BEDROOM
Me: OH YEAH THAT TV WORKS

Confession: Didn't get condoms at Costco. Bought 700 square feet of flooring instead. Either way, I'm laying hardwood! INTERNET HIGH FIVE.

I don't think kids should be in organized sports until they can drive themselves to practice. I also think the driving age should be nine.

As I argue with a six year old and a three year old over who farted, I realize this is exactly how I imagined fatherhood would be.

This movie is rated R for "brief sexual situations," LIKE THERE'S ANY OTHER KIND.

Took forever to strike the right balance of impotent rage and righteous indignation, but the holiday family newsletter is finally done.

One thing they don't tell you is that it is really really important to marry a woman who drinks.

I'd rather be overly PC than casually racist.

GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it.

The school wants to test my kid for gifted but the program doesn't have "my kid is gifted" bumper stickers, so, like, what's the point?

Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.

Ok, go to your room for disrespecting your mother's hard work making dinner, but A++ for creativity for calling them "stenchiladas."

We sent our 6 year old to bed for complaining about dinner, so he slept for 12 hours and didn't have to eat vegetables. THAT'LL TEACH HIM.

Costco- selling optimism, 700 condoms at a time.

6 yr old said he KNEW Brendan Fraser would lead them out of the cave because "movies always have happy endings."
Tonight, we watch "Seven."