If Facebook were any more boring it would be my sex life.

The only thing Facebook has taught me is that none of my friends or family have a sense of humor.

Inside every hot, funny woman is a fat, little girl with glasses and an overbite.

The way I suck the foam off a ready to overflow beer should tell you boys all you need to know.

Men who hold a Bachelor's degree yet send texts with the phrase "git wit cha" are never gunna git wit tis gurl.

The bad day I had is about to get better thanks to a nice cup of tea and a book. And by tea I mean Jack and by book I mean porn.

There are three things I just can't say no to: stray cats, weed and dick. I'm a fucking catch.

Today, I'm cleaning my house. Otherwise known as screaming "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!" to my pets for 4 hours.

I love waking up with you inside me.

Sometimes, it's not ADHD. Sometimes, you're just a really shitty parent.

I wish the mail slot on my house was like one of those slots in prison where they pass you food.

11:20 looks close enough to 4:20 for me.

Scooping the litter box twice a day keeps me humble. And single.

Who are these people stopping me at the store exit and asking to see my receipt? Do you have a fucking warrant?

The main reason I don't tweet and drive is because I'm too busy putting my makeup on and cutting people off.

My booty calls never text saying things likes "Oh baby, I need you." They say things like "You've still got 1/2 a bottle of Jack here."

I could cry and whine because a seizure ruined my St. Patty's Day festivities, or I could light this blunt and starfuck your drunk tweets.

The difference between the blonde with a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" shirt and this redhead right here who will actually fuck you. That.

It often takes the smartest person in the room to admit they know nothing.

I'm only unfollowing you so that when I do follow you back again the sex will feel fresh.