Ok, I seriously just performed the smoothest lane change of my career. I may have to retire when I get home.

That was the best burrito I've ever had, and I've been to Idaho.

When I get the hiccups after the first Dorito, that is one long, painful bag of Doritos.

I am gonna nap the shit outta this nap.

Airport A:
"Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin."
*taps on iPad, grins*

Airport B:
Tina Fey looks at iPad,
"Wtf is "Oscarly"?

#McToTD


#McTotD

I don't need or even want a phone with a built in facebook button. What I need is a phone that dispenses hot sauce. A hot sauce button, ok?

"Can someone help me load this gun?!" - my 6 year old nephew, out loud
- the rest of us, on the inside

Nice try, speed limit.

Slip a teaspoon of Amish Fly in her vessel of unpasteurized milk just before bedtime prayers. Holy moly! #McToTD

If celebrities were dinosaurs the craft table would be ridiculous. #mctotd

AW YEAH SING IT DON HENLEY

The best part about being uncouth is fuck yo shit.

It's one of those "I don't care where the toenail clippings go" kind of days.

"Pull my finger!"

"Ugh! I can't! It's all slippery---is that LUBE!?"

"*MANIACALfartLAUGHTER*"

The hardest part of surviving a bear attack is texting the bear police for help WHILE running through the brush and screaming in tongues.

Having a hard time accepting the fact that Stove Top hasn't made any dessert products.

Hello?! Muffin Stuffing

It's like, life imitating tweets imitating life, bro.

I just took a screenshot so I could show you guys the booger I smeared on my screen. I honestly think I'm getting dumber by the day.

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one because I'm satisfied with masturbation and crippling loneliness.

I need a woman that really GETS me (sandwiches), ya know?