Dear Bitch that decided women should work too & ruined everything - I hope all the women in your family are crack whores now. #thanksalot

The day that my brain, vagina & heart can agree on someone I will throw a party for them. Unless of course the party is called a wedding.

I just read my 4am tweets & I'm putting myself in a little time out.
At the bar.

I just ordered a new vibrator and I opted NOT for the 'discreet' packaging b/c I want to fuck w/my mailman. Who's hot. I need to be spayed.

I met some new friends tonight. How do I know they're cool? Bedrooms w/blackout drapes. No sunlight is essential for the people I roll with.

Can someone please fucking remind me why the Tinman wanted a heart?

Vagisil internal body wash?Really?If your crotch stinks so bad you need a separate wash for it maybe you should kill yourself or go to a doc

Time Flies when you're fucked up & laughing maniacally by yourself on your computer huh? Have I gone mad?Fuck it, laughing too hard to care.

Dear Drugs,

Thank you.

Love always,

You snow who

Dear Guys with silk shirts,
No.
Signed,
Everyone

Sometimes you gotta just say what the fuck.

If I knew a hitman, I'd hire them to go and kill 90% of the Reality sHOw Housewives. Esp the buck toothed horsefaced hags aka all of them

I think that it is really cute when people underestimate me.


See also:


Obituaries

Dear Liver - I'm SO sorry for last night. Please come home or at least return my calls. I promise only water from now* on. *until tomorrow

Wish list for tonight:
1.) Hash Brownies
2.) Fantastic Oral
3.) Dance off
4.) Hit of E
5.) to have my hair brushed

Not so tough..but alas

Q: How do you know instantly if someone is fucking retarded & possibly a serial killer who eats people?
A: They still use AOL

Waking up with no one hugging and kissing you sucks.

Dear Inventor of the Buffet - Nice concept of communal food when not in a commune. Come here a second so I can slam your dick in my door 10x

I knew that my hangover was going to be significant when I was sucking on my lime to get liquid to take Advil b/c I was too lazy to get up.

Trying to make this fuckin movie & my mac just told me that I need to upgrade my iLife.
No shit.. I'm making a slideshow & not having sex.