New followers give me writers block. So thanks for that...

I'm going to start starring my own tweets so you guys don't have to. You're welcome.

When it comes to picking out canned dog food, I choose the stuff that I would actually eat in the event of a nuclear holocaust. Just in case

There is unity within mutiny.

Confusion say, I have no idea what's going on right now.

You can poke a horse in the eye till it waters, but you can’t make him wink.

Some DJs just won’t techno for an answer.

Do vegetarians wear turtlenecks?

Playing a rousing game of “does this smell okay to you?” with the boyfriend. I’m winning because he doesn’t know we’re playing.

I can't even afford light bulbs! (dark thoughts)

"Do you want me to put layers in it?" is hairstylist code for "Is it okay if I don't cut it straight?"

Never book a judge’s cover band. Lesson learned.

I hate anyone that doesn’t like Dairy Queen. I don’t take kindly to lactose intolerance.

If you've never seriously considered killing somebody before, you've probably never been in love.

Sometimes I hit the start button on the microwave and run away like I just lit a stick of dynamite.

Ah, Christmas is in the air. And by that, I mean flu germs and disappointment.

Judging by the number of soliloquies in old plays and stuff, talking to oneself in public was a lot more acceptable way back when.

Most of the world’s problems could be solved if everyone just whistled the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show in unison.

I don't see what makes being a Bounty hunter such a dangerous job. These paper towels don't even move. Plus, they're huggably soft.

If I had to choose three items to bring with me on a desserted island, they would be a fork, a bib, and self-restraint.