IF I want your opinion I'll pull my dick out of your mouth.

Don't tweet and drive. You might laugh and blow soda out of your nose, and then the fool next to you would have to tweet about it.

Going to BJ's for takeout. I'm absolutely positive there's a joke in there somewhere waiting to cum out.

My goatee has reached the perfect length, anyone's clit itch?

S.top Fuc.king Fo.llowing Me.

Ever wonder if dentist's try to talk to their significant other while their dick is in their mouth?

You say Brazilian, I say smoooooooooth.

Can we please get back to the dirty, clever, tweets full of sexual innuendos. #Balloonboy is so passé.

He who masturbates sees your raise. She who masturbates goes all in.

How come women get all the hot sexy underwear and the best they can do for men is a banana hammock ?

Ladies. lean over, I want to tell you the secret to pleasing a man. Ok actually I just wanted to look down your shirt. Thanks!

I like my women like I like my chocolate. White and without nuts.

If you're happy and you know it.... FUCK YOU!

I am pulling a 1/2 day today, and I will probably only do that 1/2 ass, so in reality it's more like I am pulling a 1/4 day.

My coffee loves me because I swallow.

I'm not premature, you're to fucking slow.

You want better office production, then open the fucking office bar.

No boss and no admin assistant today. Looks like I have a full day of Social Networking in my future.

I'm just laying here in my Burt Reynolds in Playgirl pose.

A ReTweet without starring the original is like a reach-around without finishing the (hand)job. Just sayin'