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I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die". I am surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them.......
My girlfriend said, "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear". I put my mouth to her ear and said, "Kitchen, bathroom, livingroom..."
Kim Kardashian is expecting Kanye's baby. Doctors have said it is still too early to tell, but it will probably turn out to be an asshole.
My girlfriend caught me blow drying my penis last night and asked me what I was doing. I replied, "Heating up your dinner."
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...
What the fuck were they so excited about?.....
No matter how amazing you are at something, there will always be an 8 year old Asian kid who is better......
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance......
When you go on a first date, make sure you understand each others meanings of 'Eating out'......
I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying "I can't go on I hate my life". My room-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying
My dad was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest .. GO".
Whenever you're feeling powerless, just remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool.......
What if all the boys were heading to the yard anyway, and kelis's milkshake had nothing to do with it?......
I would never bungee jump, a broken rubber brought me into this world and god dammit its not taking me out......
Porn gives young people an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house......
I can't believe my next door neighbour thinks I'm stalking her. Or how bad the handwriting is in her diary......
The best place to break up with your girlfriend is in McDonald's. There's no sharp knives or heavy plates and you can hide behind a fat kid.
A dog is a man's best friend. Lock your dog & wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it see who is really happy to see you
Suffer no guilt, ye who wield this in the name of Crom.
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