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Guys, I'm new to Twitter. Just DM'd a dick pic to my mom, Am I Twitter Elite now?
A girl put " . " as her status on FB. I replied with 'congratulations'. She unfriended me. WTF??
I don't follow any fucking celebrity accounts bcz my celebrities are right here. You guys. Cheers, motherfuckers!
I've finally succeeded in turning total apathy into an artform. I'd celebrate, but I couldn't really care less.
To do list 1) Write "To do list" 2) Bitches love lists 3) Write "Bitches love lists" 4) Watch the pussy roll in. 5) Die alone.
Show of stars for who thinks Taylor Swift is gonna become one hellova crazy cat lady.
Just saw my neighbour chick in a lead role on a new tv series and i regret not asking her out earlier. So kids, lesson is: grow a pair.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but turds will never hurt me. Turds! Get it??? Haha. Do I win twitter now?? JK. Haha. Do I?
Somewhere my soulmate is sitting drinking beer and wondering who came up with such a shitfuck concept of soulmates.
My girlfriend asked me if I'm fucking crazy. I told her babe don't call yourself that. Long story short, I'm not fucking crazy anymore.
Just heard a girl say 'Just bcz I fuck 100 guys that doesnt make me a slut'. No bitch, it makes you Mother Teresa.
Just discovered I can touch my nose with my tongue. Adding another bullet point to my resume.
I can't even call you motherfuckers today. Happy Mother's Day you twisted morons.
How can you tell a girl is into you? Her penis is touching your prostate.
If Chris Brown and Kim Kardashian were drowning, and you could save just one, where would you like me to shove this joke format in you?
My son just told me that he likes that Justin Beaver fella. So yeah I'm gonna have to disown him.
I have a nose worse than Pinocchio's. And a dick bigger than Pinocchio's nose. Make sense?
