Lupper and Lunner are stupid terms, you dickpoop. Call it 2nd lunch like an adult.

If I understand the Pythagorean theorem correct, any food can be ordered as a topping for pizza. #math

Is Nicki Minaj a Pokémon or bag of Skittles? Asking for a "small" beverage conglomerate.

Guy that named his son Jorts, you do not get to celebrate today.

"Nicki Minaj has limited range and ability but a big backside" - Mel Kiper Jr., Ass #Draft expert.

Ate a Snickers. Being Robin Williams was fun for a while but exhausting and a tad dated.

*Nancy Grace reachs up her skirt, pulls entire honey-baked ham out* "Ahh, sweet lady justice"

I've decided women have decided I'm never getting married

I hope National Treasure 3 is about Nic Cage searching for Jefferson's lost diary pages about his slave women that were "into butt stuff."

Tiger Woods' smile is scarier than Pennywise from "It"

.@pontifex are you ever going to burn that blasphemous witch Belinda Carlisle?

Hey mom, had a bowl of chili late last night, so I know what it's like to give butth.

.@droz my gf is "on her period" and it's not a blue liquid at all and I'm throwing up?

"I wish Jon Hamm's penis was in more tweets. And I wish I was a tweets." - every woman we know, amigo.

Nate Robinson just ditched Kris Humphries worse than Kim Kardashian. #Bulls #shesucks

10 yrs ago we didn't have tweets about jobs, hope & cash, and now Big Bang Theory gets more viewers than all your favorite shows combined.

If your bunker isn't already prepped for the birth of the Kim and Kanye baby, you're already dead. Welcome to shitville.

Autocorrect just changed my relationship status from "single" to "future cat owner" :(

Watertown is at peace now, but Firetown remains ablaze with racial tension. And fires. #USA

Finally we can move on to the next problem: dickhead kids acting like adults in shitty commercials.