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My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Not to brag, but if a bomb hit this Walmart right now, my body might be the only one identified. I have dental records.
"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
I see debt people.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks.
This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth. She's down to the final 4.
Feeling a lot of pressure to only live once.
Painful truth: If you tell friends about something cool you did on Twitter, to them it sounds like "This one time at band camp..."
CNN is reporting Boston bombing suspect is now dating Manti Te'o.
In the South, any time you wander too close to a river you're in danger of being baptized.
The Kardashians are more fun if you think of them as a petting zoo for black athletes.
Drove by one of those Tea Party rallies. Looked like a Walmart without the building.
I'm no doctor, but some of the women I saw in Walmart have a very bad case of babies.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That's how I troll.
Steve Buscemi is proof that Don Knotts banged a cat.
I'm white but I'm not Betty white.
Keep your friends nervous and your enemies guessing.
I'm going thru that awkward phase between creepy young guy and creepy dead guy. http://www.facebook.com/Jd.Crowe.75 You can also follow me at @crowetoons