Thinkin' some thoughts I ain't never thunk before.

I woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

She's so far out of my league she's playing for the other team.

Got kicked out of my comfort zone, now scrambling for a happy place.

Truth is, I was raised Baptist. Lynyrd Skynyrd Baptist, not Westboro Baptist.

The Kentucky Derby is easy. Just pick the horse with the best mullet.

Wish there was a place where we could write random nonsense just to see if any little imaginary people would react to it.

I hear your mother culling you.

Here's what we've learned from the ricin letters caper: Karate instructors are the natural enemy of Elvis impersonators.

Pretty sure one of the greatest athletes of all time was gay. Think about it ... Secretariat wasn't much of a breeder.

Mad respect for Jason Collins. It's hard to play professional basketball in a closet.

It's ok, Manti Te'o. My fake wife thinks you're hot and says she'll pick you first thing in the morning.

"I ain't much into readin'. But out behind the liberry I got me a tater gun shootin' range." - W

This petting zoo cult is attracting more followers than I expected. We're gonna need a bigger goat.

Yesterday I was just a dude in a hoody whispering Black Sabbath lyrics to a goat. Today, I am the leader of a petting zoo cult.

I'm scared to death of the water, but I'm not afraid of drowning. Afraid of gettin' baptized.

Now praying for the victims, for justice, and that the suspect's reality TV show doesn't suck.

Good luck finding that little man in the boat.

And that's why I don't have a boat.

CNN is reporting Boston bombing suspect is now dating Manti Te'o.