1st of the month. Sure is nice having toilet paper again.

I don't mean to brag or make anyone feel bad, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

Super annoying when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong.

Just learned Engrish. Anyone want to play me in Word with Friend?

"Didn't we have sex last weekend?"
"No, that was Tabitha, I'm MiMi."

Fake names, they'll get you laid. Twice.

There are 2 reasons for people riding their bike: calories and DUI. And you can always tell who's who.

"I'd rather cuddle then have sex." vs. "I'd rather cuddle than have sex." Grammar matters, you guys.

Does anyone know if TLC ever caught Jason Waterfalls?

Because you know, I was the Asian Power Ranger. The one who coincidentally wore the yellow suit.

Bet Dora the Explorer is smuggling weed across the border in that backpack of hers.

So many guys on my timeline spelling "flashlight" wrong.

I wish snooze alarm minutes were the same length as treadmill minutes.

Mom says, "I'm not racist, I bought an Asian" at least once a day.

And by bought, she means adopted me.

I dip my eggrolls in ranch because that's an analogy of my life: an Asian doing White things.

If a guy buys me drinks all night and then takes me home with him, that means we're dating, right? Need a guy's perspective.

Lady in front of me had cauliflower ear. I asked her what weight division she wrestled in.

Then she called me an egg roll.

Got a pretty good porn pitch: Twitter girl travels to Twitter guy's house to sexually thank him for the star and RT. 

Guy told me to get the fuck out, then opened the door for me this morning. So, chivalry still exists, you guys. 

If you say "fit as a fiddle," I'm going to assume you like your anal cavity penetrated.

I look forward to Valentine's Day. Dirt cheap sex on the 14th and dirt cheap candy on the 15th.