It's awkward holding an ugly baby. And it's even more awkward when you break the news to the parents.

My kind of daycare is inviting kids over and eating applesauce then telling them to get the fuck out.

Dickhead just knelt down on 1 knee & asked what grade I was in. I played along by kicking him in the shin and yelling, "STRANGER!"

Now available in sober.

There are 2 reasons for people riding their bike: calories and DUI. And you can always tell who's who.

Doing drugs this weekend. And by drugs, I mean beer and by weekend, I mean 3:15 this afternoon.

Mom says, "I'm not racist, I bought an Asian" at least once a day.

And by bought, she means adopted me.

I go commando most days, so technically I'm not lying when I tell people I serve in the Army. 

Someone who says, "Live without regret," never forgot to say "apostrophe" when spelling "o'clock" in the 3rd grade spelling bee.

I've got the Miami Heat in my Final Four. Love sports!

Friends make fun of me for pocketing salt and ketchup packets and straws, but they aren't saving $126.73 a year like me.

Me: Cool chair, hockey accident?
Girl in Wheelchair: Uh, what?

Then I walked away embarrassed. I had no idea she was deaf.

I don't mean to brag or make anyone feel bad, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

"I'd rather cuddle then have sex." vs. "I'd rather cuddle than have sex." Grammar matters, you guys.

Bet Dora the Explorer is smuggling weed across the border in that backpack of hers.

I'd like porns if they had more sex in them.

I think my voice is progressively getting lower and lower. Should have my penis in any day now.

Does your wang hang low?
Does it wobble to & fro?
Can you tie it in a knot?
Can you tie it in a bow?


No but really do you have a big wang?

Guy at the bar asked me to go home with him. Seems kind of fast to meet his family back home already. Must think I'm a keeper.

If you looked like a 14 year old Asian girl, you'd take advantage of perverted men too.