I have over a terabyte of porn saved to my personal memory

@carolinasong @jasonlight73 wipe your ass with the cat and point at the toilet paper

Somedays you're the big old penis, and somedays you're the gaping birthhole.

Every time I get a ticket from a police officer I always say to myself "that'll do pig, that'll do." @officeromalley

@constantshock agreed.

@constantshock I think I just lol'd at that one. Well played.

I love reading my own tweets. HA! I'm so funny.

Can we all agree that instagramming our dick picks should be a common courtesy at this stage of the game? #bestwaytostartaMonday

Feels like one of those get off the lawn and go to work kind of mornings..

Dear everywhere, always have available everything I want, thank you.

Wash before eating, Ha!

The only time you should wear a condom is if your bangin your cousin #iknowthisonegirl

Its like who doesn't like getting their genitals pleasured, right? #imheretoo

Sick of picking cat hair outta my grass so in just gonna smoke it instead #yeahimhigh #puffpuffpasstuesdays

Ate my hangover pizza off the floor last night and there's still some left for breakfast! Step aside cats n let me in there! #yeahimhigh

I always loved getting stoned at the playground the only problem is I'm damn near 30 #yeahimhigh #ConfessionsOfAGrownUpKid

Gonna cut a hole in the bottom of my mailbox and put a garbage can under it.

Wearing a pair of underwear with a vagina sewed into the crotch, it feels like a small cotton hand cupping my business #saxx #nuthuggers

Able to write a sentence in a single thought #mundanesuperpowers

Is it a coincidence that the cock has a head and the balls look like a brain, I think not!