I Tax Break For Rich People. #Romney_Bumperstickers

The funniest thing that come out of that whole Daniel Tosh incident was that Dane Cook opened for him.

Homophobe On Board. #Romney_Bumperstickers

I put my pants on one leg at a time. But, sometimes they end up on me backwards then my mom has to fix 'em for me. I like hats.

If you're stupid enough to post your phone number on Facebook for everyone to see, then don't be shocked when I call you and be all, "'Sup?"

My Child is an Honor Student at a Rich, Private School That Poor People Can't Afford. #Romney_Bumperstickers

I was let down when I found out "Whale Wars" wasn't about my last two girlfriends fighting over me...

It has always puzzled as to why animals don't have pubic hair...

Does anyone know how to Photoshop love on a family picture?!

Masturbate like everyone is watching...

I taught my in-heat cat how to sing, now she's a member of Nickelback...

Us REAL men like women who look like women...curves, "lady-lumps", etc, and not 10 year old boys. Eat s'more pancakes, we don't mind.

I found out the hard way that gangbangers do not have orgies as their name suggests...

"We are currently assisting O.J. Simpson in finding the real killer and appreciate your patience on the matter." #ProgressiveTwitterTeam

What's the emoticon for "fisting?!"

Judging by their avis, females on Twitter are nothing but tits and feet...

Shocked you don't have AIDS yet. RT @f1abraham Shocked I haven't moved to #LA yet

I just called my electric company and screamed, "HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!"

I can't afford a Kindle fire. However, I'll get a log, set it on fire, and read a book in front of that.

Working in a nursing home affords me the opportunity to indulge in my habit of walking around with my shirt off screaming at old people...