As a general rule, I will tip the waitress at Denny's a dollar for every tooth she has.

Standing outside Home Depot throwing fur at anyone carrying paint.

To you, it's a prosthetic leg propped up in the corner. To my dog, it's a whore.

Shout out. To all the drunk girls I've slept with. Who were friends with the girl I actually wanted to sleep with.

Twitter would be a lot better if it had a fucking bartender.

If my co-worker knew that I've already thought of 4 different ways to end her life with this paper clip, she'd stop talking about her cat.

I've been married so long that whenever there's a lull in a conversation I just say "I'm sorry"

If we really learned from our mistakes, I'd have a motherfucking doctorate right now.

Tossed and turned all night. I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing.

Say what you will, but my boss' dick tastes like a promotion.

My ceiling fan has three setting:
- very slow
- slow
- I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

Taking Mom to Applebee's for Mother's Day is the best way to say "You were really kind of a bitch to me growing up"

People who think dimples are cute would LOVE me because my ass has like a thousand of them.

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

No one's ever spanked an actual monkey

My 12 year-old daughter just asked me when I lost my "V-Card". So I'm pretty sure this one trumps all your suicide notes, guys.

OH HAPPY DAY! GAS WENT DOWN 2 CENTS!

Now I can buy my daughter that fancy blue gumball she's always wanted.

A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her.

I'm only stabbing you lightly to test if what doesn't kill you actually makes you stronger, you unappreciative fuckwad

My boss is questioning this veterinary note, that says I can't work because my wing is infected, like I'm some kind of liar.