My husband asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him so I forged a note from my mother saying I don’t have to participate.

My husband likes me to be on top during sex. That way we both get to read a book.

I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".

My husband and I don’t have anal sex because it hurts when I smack him in the head for even asking.

I smoke so much that you could use any piece of my clothing as a nicotine patch.

If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it’ll just be me sitting on a couch smoking cigarettes.

I wish my husband’s dick was as big as the stick up his ass.

If I had 5 joints and my friend took 3 of them, I’d be left with a dead friend and all 5 joints.

My husband and I sat silently by the small campfire that we made after trying to assemble a wood table together.

Every party we’ve ever had has ended by 9 pm because my husband knows how to speak Klingon.

My mother won’t let me smoke in her apartment so I have no idea where she lives.

My husband’s man cave is an old VW Bus in the back yard where he sits and looks at his comic book collection.

The only way I’ll ever get a back rub from my husband that lasts longer than 1 minute is to get breast implants on my back.

Yes, that’s an ashtray. It’s only a serving platter on special occasions.

You wouldn’t believe how loud my husband’s breathing gets when I give him a blow job while he’s wearing his Darth Vader helmet.

Every week my husband shows off his classic Corvette Stingray by having it towed all around town.