I enjoy the irony in someone getting a tattoo removed that reads "No Regrets".

Why do black celebrities never adopt white babies?

If you are homophobic you are not allowed to watch lesbian porn! No excuses!

I hate the phrase "rules were meant to be broken."

No, I do not believe that was the intent while making them.

I wish I could sleep as soundly as I can only assume Helen Keller did.

No gag reflex and I don't have to shop at Lane Bryant. Why the fuck am I single?

The only reason my bed ever even slightly rocks is when my cat is violently washing herself.

The only reason I would get married or have kids is so I'd have more shit to tweet about.

Haha, that fart just scared the Hell out of my cat is why nobody will ever marry me.

I woke up to tweet this. And to pee. In that order.

My cat must think I'm her mother. One minute she's all lovey and kneading me, then the next she goes bat shit and tries to kill me.

Fact: Girls with small boobs have too much testosterone and will soon grow a penis.

I always bitch about wanting more than 140 characters,but in all fairness,I would never read anybody elses tweets again if they were longer.

Spending my Friday night plotting how to rub poison ivy on all of my enemies' tampons without them noticing.

Yeah, I'll star pretty much anything that's in English and doesn't mention One Direction.

So sad when you learn that your friend has cancer. Or that they're a Mormon.

My only RL frriend that has a Twitter account is a Christian... Yeah... She has no fucking idea I'm on here.

The death of a famous person is like crack for Twitter jokes.

Serena Williams is that baseball player known for his steroid use, right?

My episode of Cribs: "That's where I shit... that's where I eat Taco Bell... that matress on the floor is where I pass out."