My boss put me in a cubicle facing the restrooms, so I make the best of it by asking everyone if they are ok when they come out.

I'm one bad day away from a face tattoo.

If your back looks like a busted can of biscuits, it's time for a bigger bra.

The Chips Ahoy bag is resealable. Is that supposed to be some sort of joke?

Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

Drink like you stole that liver.

Team Followback is Twitter's version of the Special Olympics.

Responsible parents should teach their kids that it's not the person you hate, it's their guts.

You're so vain, you probably think all of these pictures I have of you sleeping are about you.

Tuesdays are like the pause between stop and hammer time.

Sorry, sometimes I just say fuck it, and hit send.

I feel like I drank a 5 Hour Lethargy.

I'm so drunk right now, I'm having to clutch the sheets in my bed to keep from sliding off the edge of the world.

I've spent way too much time in the shower since having my pornography laminated.

Maybe I don't have a drinking problem, maybe you have a crying problem.

I play angry birds at work by blindly lobbing staplers into the cubicles, and listening for groaning pigs.

Relax, it's just me borrowing your 3 hole punch. Go ahead and get back on Farmville.

This is the time of day that I stare at the things on my desk.

I'm 10 for 10 when it comes to making the Walmart greeter tap out.

My version of Alcoholics Anonymous is getting blackout drunk in bars where nobody knows who I am.