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Attention Ladies with Boost Mobile: I wish your baby daddy the best of luck at his upcoming parole hearing.
"When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said 'Dead Tigger Storage'?"
-Pulp Children's Fiction
Even if you have the ability to calm irritable people, calling yourself "The Asshole Whisperer" will just lead to uncomfortable questions.
To break the ice, I jokingly asked the new guy if he caught Twilight last week. His eyes lit up, and the day went downhill from there.
No thanks, skinny chicks. I need something I can hold on to. Like a harness. Or a lap bar. Pretty sure I just wanna bone a roller coaster.
I refuse to pull out until I've fathered twins named Bebop and Rocksteady.
In case I'm suddenly struck with amnesia, I've placed Post-its around the house that read, "Yeah, this is really your life. My bad, me."
Good luck keeping that decorative quilt on the back of your couch when I come over.
If we're both outside smoking a cigarette, and neither of us say a word to each other the entire time, we should hang out. You get me.
If I was ever in an actual fight, I'd lose due to my opponent mercilessly punching me while I attempted a sweet-ass, choreographed intro.
You don't have to be rich, but if you had a part-time job that allowed me to get 50% off chicken burritos, you could totally be my girl.
SEXT: You, licking an oatmeal creme pie.
Me, pretending that it's sexy but really thinking about how cool sleeping in a giant Lego would be.
She hates when I don't talk but becomes frustrated when I inject geeky allusions into our conversations.
It's a regular Kobayashi Maru...
I don't know who's checking these individual snowflakes for uniqueness, but if I had to guess, I'd say they're all kindergarten teachers.
All I want out of life is a decently hot chick that'll trade me her red Skittles for my yellow ones.
Mom asked about my electronic cigarette. I said, "It weighs about as much as a one hitt--err, wonderrr band...'s cassette tape??"
Drinking heavily has repercussions. For me, it's when I come home and spot an Amazon package, knowing my plush Gizmo army became 3 stronger.
You know what's scary? A shark. You know what scarier? Two sharks. Scariest of all? That first shark again, but he's WIELDING THE OTHER TWO.
This doctor is so clueless. He said I have shingles like I'm supposed to care. Hellooooo, I rent, bro. Let the landlord deal with that shit.
Instead of telling folks to have a nice day, get specific with things like, "Don't hit a kid on the drive home," or "Hope your dog's alive."
[something strange yet funny yet relatable] [laughter] http://favstar.fm/users/Cthunicorn/recent