Attention Ladies with Boost Mobile: I wish your baby daddy the best of luck at his upcoming parole hearing.

"When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said 'Dead Tigger Storage'?"

-Pulp Children's Fiction

Even if you have the ability to calm irritable people, calling yourself "The Asshole Whisperer" will just lead to uncomfortable questions.

To break the ice, I jokingly asked the new guy if he caught Twilight last week. His eyes lit up, and the day went downhill from there.

No thanks, skinny chicks. I need something I can hold on to. Like a harness. Or a lap bar. Pretty sure I just wanna bone a roller coaster.

I refuse to pull out until I've fathered twins named Bebop and Rocksteady.

In case I'm suddenly struck with amnesia, I've placed Post-its around the house that read, "Yeah, this is really your life. My bad, me."

Good luck keeping that decorative quilt on the back of your couch when I come over.

If we're both outside smoking a cigarette, and neither of us say a word to each other the entire time, we should hang out. You get me.

If I was ever in an actual fight, I'd lose due to my opponent mercilessly punching me while I attempted a sweet-ass, choreographed intro.

You don't have to be rich, but if you had a part-time job that allowed me to get 50% off chicken burritos, you could totally be my girl.

SEXT: You, licking an oatmeal creme pie.
Me, pretending that it's sexy but really thinking about how cool sleeping in a giant Lego would be.

She hates when I don't talk but becomes frustrated when I inject geeky allusions into our conversations.

It's a regular Kobayashi Maru...

I don't know who's checking these individual snowflakes for uniqueness, but if I had to guess, I'd say they're all kindergarten teachers.

All I want out of life is a decently hot chick that'll trade me her red Skittles for my yellow ones.

Mom asked about my electronic cigarette. I said, "It weighs about as much as a one hitt--err, wonderrr band...'s cassette tape??"

Saved it.

Drinking heavily has repercussions. For me, it's when I come home and spot an Amazon package, knowing my plush Gizmo army became 3 stronger.

You know what's scary? A shark. You know what scarier? Two sharks. Scariest of all? That first shark again, but he's WIELDING THE OTHER TWO.

This doctor is so clueless. He said I have shingles like I'm supposed to care. Hellooooo, I rent, bro. Let the landlord deal with that shit.

Instead of telling folks to have a nice day, get specific with things like, "Don't hit a kid on the drive home," or "Hope your dog's alive."