Just saw Naomi Campbell cry during an interview. I must be honest, I've never seen cocaine in its liquid phase before.

The worst part of this hangover is that it just won't let me die.

Holy shit cunt balls. In no particular order - that is how I'm feeling right now.

Don't you hate it when the roofies wear off and you have to talk to the person you've been having sex with for the past 3 hours :(

If you only use Twitter to update your foursquare I can't wait till I see that update telling us you're lying face down on a major highway.

I think whatever it was that ate Seal's face shat it all over Morgan Freeman's face.

Who the fuck keeps unfollowing me?

Michelle Obama is meeting Jacob Zuma? I hope she's on the pill.

I've been up since 8am so don't even TALK to me about the holocaust!

You americans are probably wondering why I'm awake. Well, in South Africa we wake up early so we can catch a decent lion to take us to work.

I'm willing to sacrifice christmas if Jessica Simpson promises to stop releasing christmas albums.

Apologies to the lady using the treadmill next to me at gym - I forgot to put deo on. I also haven't wiped my ass in 5 months.

The best part about a 14 hour drive is absolutely fucking nothing.

If having to work means waking up this early everyday then I quit life.

Yes Madonna, you are correct in saying your love should be illegal, especially when you refer to it as a revolver. You're weird.

I'm at my most white when trying to light a cigarette with matches.

Nelson Mandela isn't dead, hey? It feels like this driver is taking me on the murder route.

Just found out what a fleshlight is. Great, that's another thing I'm going to have to buy just so I can stick my dick in it.

I hate it when I get halfway through a tweet and then forget what I'm.......

Going for a boozy lunch with my dad now. Hopefully it ends with sex.