There's always that one follower who's sweet but creeps you out, severely.

If you expect me to fawn over your newborn child, teach it to do a trick, and I'll be impressed.

If you name a person who unfollows only to say you don't care, you do.

My bedroom smells like mistakes have been made.

Netflix, I don't know what I've ever watched to make you think Jersey Shore is a viable viewing option for me, but fuck you.

Just cause my shirt has a strip club logo on it and I'm stoned buying pizza rolls doesn't mean I must know how to a good time, asshole.

I'm star fucking everything today, I'm getting my twitter ho on.

If Apple is so goddamn excellent how come they can't make a pair of earbuds that fucking fit?

I don't give a fuck about what you're watching anymore than you give a fuck about what I'm tweeting.

What the fuck is organic clothing? Jesus fucking Christ, I hate humanity so goddamn much sometimes.

Uhm yeah, vicodin and coffee aren't the greatest combination.

Tell the people who matter how much you love them, life is entirely too unpredictable for anything less.

I love you nasty bastards on here. It's only the place where I can laugh at pedophilia/necrophilia jokes without being judged!

Pro Tip: when someone asks how are you, a simple FINE will suffice.

Serious tweet: if there's someone in your life whom you love and that emotion is reciprocated, tell them. It never hurts to hear it!

Kim Kardashian = dumb cunt.

Don't like tweet? Go fuck yourself and have a lovely day!

Did you know women who enjoy their sexuality aren't sluts? They're simply women, you're welcome.

My TL is an odd mixture of my life is empty without love and fuck you dumb cunts for being in love tweets,I'm satisfied.

I may never have you inside me but I can always be inside myself.

#BarbaraWalters picking the Kardashians as one of the most fascinating people of 2011 let's me know she should retire.