I have a really good memory until I go into another room to get something.

If I had a penis, my timeline would only read, "Jerking off."

We found Osama Bin Laden but where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

All this political junk in my timeline is driving me crazy. Remember when twitter was just goofy and fun? Now it's bitch balls.

When I bite into a York peppermint patty, I get the sensation that I'm having candy for breakfast in my underwear.

Watching Morgan Freeman's Through the Wormhole. I'm not very good at science but I'm pretty sure this is about anal sex.

Just saw a bald eagle take a shit. I feel so glad to be an American.

If cleaning was sex, I'd be having a cigarette.

Sometimes I totally just say stuff to see if someone will unfollow me.

I'm a fucking lady. I don't talk about my bitch balls before my first drink.

Am I getting a good insurance rate? What color should we paint the house? Should we refinance? Mike's in jail? Is this beige too yellow?

I will not make fried potatoes at 1am. I will not make fried potatoes at 1am. I will not make fried potatoes at 1am.

Today is a day for grown up stuff. Cleaning, budgeting & sex.

Real Americans fly on 9/11 and watch bald eagles shit from tall trees.

Just saw two people kissing on the street and I thought to myself, "Poor suckers. They don't even know love is a total lie."

I was so wrong about HD. We all need it.

Supposed to go to dinner later but I don't know if I really want to wear pants today.

@labspaz And God said, "Oh you started a juice fast? Here's all of the cookies. Fuck you, Michael. Fuck you."

"Please choose a password with a mix of lower and upper case letters, numbers and symbols." Stop telling me how to live.

I decided that I wouldn't buy myself anything that I didn't absolutely need this month. Day 2: I need a telescope.