People ask me how to craft a tweet. First comes a draft. Then I say “That’s not funny, that’s just stupid!”

Then I post it.

Any questions?

Reality TV was invented when the writers went on strike & somebody left the TV cameras running. Yes, it was crap from the beginning.

To all those women who are getting lots of sex but pretending otherwise in your tweets:

We’re onto you.

Well, we wish.

I'm now wearing a Twitter patch on my arm, to wean me off my addiction.

After the GOP finishes shredding the social safety net, I’ll bet they won’t even bother putting the pieces into the recycling bin.

Is anyone else freaked out
by the realization that these crazy tweets
represent exactly what the people around you
are thinking each day?

My dominatrix has demanded better working conditions. I’ve told her my hands are tied.

My wife, girlfriend, masseuse and my blow-up doll just got together and held an intervention.

They told me I have commitment issues.

I get all my news from Twitter.
That’s why I’m so up to date on sexual acts.

Twitter is the multi-level marketing of ideas. I push worthless shit to you, and you distribute it to your friends.

My wife and I spent the night having spectacular sex. Then we almost ran over each other trying to sneak back into the house.

I just pulled a rabbit’s foot off a roadkill.

Is it still lucky?

9 out of 10 women would rather not see men wearing spandex cycling shorts. The 10th woman is a recruiter for the local circus freak show.

Because I’m such a firm believer in moderation,
I never eat more than 1 jar of peanut butter in a single day.

My blow-up doll gets equal time on top, cuz I’m an enlightened guy.

My iPhone invited my iPad to join Google+, and now they’ve both unfriended me on FB.

It's mostly junk, but there are treasures to be discovered.

Twitter is the flea market of comedy.

A retweet is the best #FF.

Twitter is the Burning Man of the web. Everyone is running around naked & under the influence, or wearing preposterous costumes. I love you!

After the peanut butter & boysenberry jam decided to “take a break” from each other, I had to send my whole grain bread to counseling.