Men like big boobs and tight pussies because they have big mouths and small dicks

Him "if your tits were a bit firmer you wouldn't need that bra"

Me "If you cock was a bit firmer I wouldn't need your brother"

How well does submitting letters of resignation for other employees work? Anyone?

Tampons never strike up conversations with maxi pads because they're stuck up cunts.

Ok, let me get this straight, you want an emotionally stable girl who just wants to be fuck buddies?

Let me know how that works out for you

I suggested to my boyfriend we take a vacation and we laughed and laughed and laughed because I don't have a boyfriend and I need more vodka

I was going to have sex last night but my vagina logged me out due to inactivity and I forgot the password

A recent survey stated the first thing men notice about women is their eyes and the first thing women notice about men is that they're liars

Dating is hard, one day he's all "lay back and relax", the next day he's responding to your sexts "this is inappropriate, I'm your dentist"

I thought about being a stay at home Mom until I realized my kid would be there. It would make it hard to watch porn and masturbate all day

I masturbated in the tanning bed today which is awesome because now I smell like my two favorite things: sex on the beach and shame.

Just ONCE I'd like to be the stalkee instead of the stalker

I can't bring sexy back, I already ripped off the tags :(

I haven't had any caffeine today and my vibrator broke so unless one of you shoots coffee out of your penis, stay the fuck out of my way.

OMG you guys, I just realized I'm 35 followers away from still going to bed alone at night.

One minute you're just looking for matching socks and the next thing you know you're texting all your exes asking them why you're unlovable

Girls, if a guy says "I love you" for the first time while you're fucking what he really means is "I love sex, who are you again?"

If I wore a mood ring it would alternate between "completely bat shit crazy" and "Eating raw cookie dough. In the dark. Alone. And crying"

If there's one thing I learned from last night it's never trust a man who has a dick.

I don't know how many times I have to tell my coworker I want an "Italian sausage" for lunch before he realizes I mean "give him a blowjob"