Someday, I'll meet someone that thinks as fast and as random as me. Most likely, in a mental hospital.

I'm gonna think about that bitch. Bitches love it when you're thinking about them.

My HR folder is thicker than my dick. Probably due to statements like this.

What if all of the money spent on political ads were instead directed to feeding the poor kids of America? I vote for that.

People without vaginas should not tell people with vaginas what they can or can't do with said vaginas.

My spirit animal is Alf.

My room smells like sex and candy. Minus the sex part.

Where are the hot women? This bar is so NOT like my timeline.

Apparently my rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" was cuter when I was six.

I'm gonna put that bitches' toilet seat down. Bitches love having their toilet seat down.

Does singing Wham in a speedo make you look gay? Asking for a friend.

When I was asked my biggest weakness in a job interview, I said Gingers. And owned it.

Keep throwing it at me, World. I got this.

Nobody likes being taken for granted. Tell your friends you care often.

My cat thinks his name is God Dammit Poe.

Hot Doctor Lady: Why are you here? Me: My dick tastes funny.

I'm gonna cook that bitch some dinner. Bitches love dinner.

#20PetPeeves Men who negatively comment on woman's bodies. All women are beautiful and should be told so everyday.

#BiggestLiesGirlsSay I've never done that.

Remember that stars and retweets are still free. #sharethelove