Don't joke about prohibition, that shit actually happened.

I WANT ALL THE DRUNK.

I hate you so much that I am going to eat toast all over your bed.

I like making people laugh because I can't fucking stand them otherwise.

Nothing makes you consult your life choices more than being early for work and sitting in your car waiting until you can go in.

WAIT. I have a coupon.

I don't like people with the same name as me.

Do you like my face enough to give me free weed?

I will ask you questions about your food until you offer me a bite of it.

please don't keep it real.

The first thing I think about when i wake up is naps.

My job on the Internet is to like all the cats.

Do hipsters know that they are all just copying my dad?

When life gives me serious life choices, I peace out and buy jeans instead.

You respected me. That was your first mistake.

I am not liking to show support. I am actually liking the fact that you're miserable.

Just walking around, doing shit, waiting to die.

Fuck off, pie is a food group.

I really need to start paying attention to what I'm doing. It's been like what, ten years?

One mitten to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.