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  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    There really is no need to place me up on a pedestal...

    any barstool will do

    • 215
    • LIKES
    silvertongue37li4mst3w4rtPaige__xxxbossy_bootzcambusladorneryalwaysmissekayFudgeRobot
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    Paige__xxxcambusladMymorningzeppe1IrvinVillalvaz1missekayfuzzlimetararose711PressOneForNo
  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    When I said I was "handy", I meant more in an inappropriately groping way... NOT in a fix your washing machine way

    • 244
    • LIKES
    li4mst3w4rtPressOneForNoTattleTSisteranonbenemwg191gene1047PetresarbuKBChicken75
    • 156
    • RETWEETS
    TattleTSisteranonbeneLadyM66022196KBChicken75temtationalE_lok44AndyAsAdjectivetexasstalkermom
    BigHeb7
  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm at my most fiscally responsible when buying a $50 ticket to the ballpark to take advantage of $1 hotdog night

    • 303
    • LIKES
    li4mst3w4rtmissekayJohn26649305PressOneForNoTattleTSisterDayDreamNiteOwlHiddleDeeDeeDr_C2006
    • 152
    • RETWEETS
    TattleTSisterHiddleDeeDeeDr_C2006Nahdude83KBChicken75E_lok44AJslackie__LoveYoorFate
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 2,008
    • LIKES
    _Ash_1206li4mst3w4rtPressOneForNoTattleTSisterJphillipsJacquimwg191La_SarcasmPetresarbu
    • 1,783
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtWas_I_invertedPressOneForNoTattleTSisterJphillipsJacquiLa_SarcasmDavid_M01KBChicken75
    hottentotsgotBourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 2,008
    • LIKES
    luvmyADHDli4mst3w4rtPetrickSaramike_sweetsudgeethaSaroshKhalilShehzad_Ulhaqsiigmund
    • 1,535
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtWas_I_invertedoriginalfakieSaroshKhalilsiigmundheyoulauracambusladsofi_7000
    wittwitbaristamrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,821
    • LIKES
    Grace_Asher1li4mst3w4rtrocknthepurpleEyeSeeYou619i_wasnt_lookingLilRed0324Jusatanoldguyjohn_tcp
    • 1,227
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtrocknthepurpleTyZ0nesophienuuttalli_wasnt_lookingLilRed0324ansh712xvee_kat
    Nicholey23__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,748
    • LIKES
    maughammomPressOneForNoAJslackie__LoveYoorFateJeannieG40Manali_Shetye5nimble__nickT_Bonezzz_
    • 918
    • RETWEETS
    Was_I_invertedAJslackie__LoveYoorFateAmoralAndAngryJeannieG40Manali_Shetye5ReillyBarbnimble__nick
    SwartyComedysamfromks10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,597
    • LIKES
    John26649305PressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlAStahl7Momzilla111Nahdude83AJslackie__kimlockhartga
    • 1,065
    • RETWEETS
    Was_I_invertedRJlovestoreadMomzilla111Nahdude83rockinglittleroAJslackie__kimlockhartgaJeannieG40
    OneFunnyMummyHalbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,263
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlCap_n_morganAStahl7Nahdude83Slims_RamblingsbonniejeannetxAJslackie__
    • 880
    • RETWEETS
    Cap_n_morganNahdude83AJslackie__need_space_LoveYoorFateJeannieG40Manali_Shetye5blueoval150__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,258
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlCap_n_morganMyMrPerfectionNahdude83WineMummyLoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_
    • 867
    • RETWEETS
    Cap_n_morganNahdude83WineMummyHeaterhotususReillyBarbmargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 1,167
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoWineMummyneed_space_LoveYoorFatemactx85T_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2uMissy_Kell
    • 856
    • RETWEETS
    PressOneForNoWineMummyLoveYoorFatemactx85DavidDrabble1ReillyBarbmargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_
    NaomiGlitterIdeal_VictoriaClarkeMcMakinMSN2BE
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 1,211
    • LIKES
    John26649305maughammomPressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlValkyrie48lovelyelves38CaliberReviewVodkaTiem
    • 732
    • RETWEETS
    38CaliberReviewVodkaTiemNahdude83LoveYoorFateReillyBarbT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__ddsmidt
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 1,094
    • LIKES
    maughammomPressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlWICKEDTRUTH01Nahdude83jonatha56191804LoveYoorFateTwittscribe
    • 697
    • RETWEETS
    WICKEDTRUTH01Nahdude83T_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2uHeyoShellz__thepoetknightninjadinosaur1twinkiesandwine
    IQuitTwittah__Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 910
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoMyMrPerfectionNahdude83chad_burns1WineMummyLoveYoorFateZoeLightlyT_Bonezzz_
    • 574
    • RETWEETS
    Nahdude83chad_burns1WineMummyHeaterhotususZoeLightlyT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__don_haworth
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 910
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoconover43chad_burns1WineMummyLoveYoorFateTiwariLalmanikimillerT_Bonezzz_
    • 529
    • RETWEETS
    WineMummyLoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__ninjadinosaur1MelissaJoy33ValeeGrrldon_haworth
    DionneMcNutt
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 747
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoneed_space_LoveYoorFatenathaniel_kleinJoParkerBeartrickortreat_btT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__
    • 455
    • RETWEETS
    LoveYoorFatenathaniel_kleinJoParkerBearT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__don_haworthMartaEffingOkieGirl405
    SgtButtCheeks__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea".

    It's. Just. Tea.

    • 759
    • LIKES
    BigMoonfanshawnahazePolgarazilookitslehahaAlex_DeSantis_1GerberRoxicarpetwheelDoNotCallMeMel
    • 416
    • RETWEETS
    TheVooJoozebobbibowwomanBigMoonfanshawnahazeutkayei_sing_my_heartdevineceltdagreb
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 734
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoLoveYoorFatekimillerT_Bonezzz_monicabeth13beaver83HeyoShellz__PetrickSara
    • 385
    • RETWEETS
    LoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__ValeeGrrldon_haworthMartaEffingcaseytduncanjumpdashark
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    "Does this house make my ass look flat?" - Wicked Witch of the East

    • 697
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoLoveYoorFateHolohanTrevorThumbsHeartjust1foolPetrickSaraT_Bonezzz_FlyJ_
    • 352
    • RETWEETS
    ThumbsHeartjust1foolmargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_FlyJ_HeyoShellz__caseytduncanjumpdashark
    PortRooster__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 708
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoLoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__JoParkerBearbillyblue71ParchedStarchMartaEffing
    • 328
    • RETWEETS
    T_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz__MartaEffingcaseytduncanThe_MartiniGirlJazzzzzminajumpdasharkBluestmoon_
    TINY_TOESIES______emilylimemrtruthandsoul
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

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