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  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    When I said I was "handy", I meant more in an inappropriately groping way... NOT in a fix your washing machine way

    • 207
    • LIKES
    pdiddy71wittwitbaristaManali_Shetye5trickortreat_btT_Bonezzz_upherclasstwitBirdhummsGrillinChillin9
    • 135
    • RETWEETS
    wittwitbaristaManali_Shetye5T_Bonezzz_iGreenMonkBirdhummsGrillinChillin9SummerCandyEyesKateWouldHaveIt
    BigHeb7
  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm at my most fiscally responsible when buying a $50 ticket to the ballpark to take advantage of $1 hotdog night

    • 283
    • LIKES
    wittwitbaristaBuck_a_RooStormAnnVIngeniousRetardtheofficialjeffawkwardphilipperberger811major_mustache1
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    wittwitbaristaawkwardphilipperberger811major_mustache1DarlainkyManali_Shetye5govtdudeVodkantots
  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    The sexual tension in this juice bar is pulpable

    • 605
    • LIKES
    CurvyGirlMemarieaskithejodiestsnicklefritzedManicMouseSabotagedSmokeThatGirlHealyhippocroteez
    • 289
    • RETWEETS
    RuninRaethejodiestManicMouseSabotagedSmokejulietactuallycaterita2008thejdhalpernFloodyHippie
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,984
    • LIKES
    Manali_Shetye5ZoeLightlyT_Bonezzz_upherclasstwitBirdhummsslinesZZ0GrillinChillin9
    • 1,763
    • RETWEETS
    Manali_Shetye5DavidDrabble1ZoeLightlymargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_just141lifeBirdhummsPensLamy
    hottentotsgotBourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,967
    • LIKES
    louisjewellBetty4Presidentits_mansindistarrwittwitbaristaManali_Shetye5T_Bonezzz_upherclasstwit
    • 1,506
    • RETWEETS
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    wittwitbaristamrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,785
    • LIKES
    Manali_Shetye5T_Bonezzz_oh_michiialsweetgumHeyoShellzrileytharveyJoParkerBeardsherb002
    • 1,206
    • RETWEETS
    swaruppatilManali_Shetye5T_Bonezzz_candygrlMTHeyoShellzJoParkerBeardsherb002ElleTexas
    Nicholey23__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,744
    • LIKES
    JeannieG40Manali_Shetye5nimble__nickT_Bonezzz_JusatanoldguyHeyoShellzirishriley68JoParkerBear
    • 915
    • RETWEETS
    AmoralAndAngryJeannieG40Manali_Shetye5ReillyBarbnimble__nickT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzJoParkerBear
    SwartyComedysamfromks10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,588
    • LIKES
    TeaAndGoodTimesJeannieG40Manali_Shetye5trickortreat_btnimble__nickT_Bonezzz_Birdhummsjohnusmcgee71
    • 1,058
    • RETWEETS
    JeannieG40Manali_Shetye5kimillermargoforeheadnimble__nickT_Bonezzz_Birdhummsjohnusmcgee71
    OneFunnyMummyHalbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,253
    • LIKES
    JeannieG40Manali_Shetye5TwittscribeT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzJoParkerBearcharmfozddsmidt
    • 875
    • RETWEETS
    JeannieG40Manali_Shetye5blueoval150nimble__nickT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzJoParkerBearcharmfoz
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,251
    • LIKES
    T_Bonezzz_monicabeth13HeyoShellzcharmfozddsmidtbeersudsMartaEffingcaseytduncan
    • 864
    • RETWEETS
    HeaterhotususReillyBarbmargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzcharmfozddsmidtMartaEffing
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 1,163
    • LIKES
    mactx85T_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2uMissy_KellNuttinewAryan_ShepherdRealPrincessKimAkshat_forever
    • 853
    • RETWEETS
    mactx85DavidDrabble1ReillyBarbmargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_HeatherReneeMahBubbleNuggets2uNuttinew
    NaomiGlitterIdeal_VictoriaClarkeMcMakinMSN2BE
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 1,201
    • LIKES
    TwittscribekimillerT_Bonezzz_Leon_RagnarHeyoShellzddsmidtStarRevEatJokeRepeat
    • 728
    • RETWEETS
    ReillyBarbT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzddsmidtStarRevnocturnallymedon_haworthHoldawayIan
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 1,087
    • LIKES
    TwittscribeT_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2uHeyoShellzthepoetknightninjadinosaur1PetrickSaranikweber14
    • 696
    • RETWEETS
    T_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2uHeyoShellzthepoetknightninjadinosaur1twinkiesandwineSantini6971ValeeGrrl
    IQuitTwittah__Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 904
    • LIKES
    ZoeLightlyT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzdon_haworthMartaEffingcaseytduncanhottentotsgotBluestmoon_
    • 571
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    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 905
    • LIKES
    TiwariLalmanikimillerT_Bonezzz_myquietlullabyHeyoShellzPonchoSaulninjadinosaur1lisa_pletz
    • 527
    • RETWEETS
    T_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzninjadinosaur1MelissaJoy33ValeeGrrldon_haworthMartaEffingcaseytduncan
    DionneMcNutt
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 742
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    trickortreat_btT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzEatJokeRepeatdon_haworthMartaEffingAnitaHelmetcaseytduncan
    • 452
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    SgtButtCheeks__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea".

    It's. Just. Tea.

    • 727
    • LIKES
    PetrickSarashaniam18liquidthoughtKEKyleKacalkimillerT_Bonezzz_averagedad4funFlyJ_
    • 401
    • RETWEETS
    kimillerT_Bonezzz_dreaT1020FlyJ_HeyoShellzOFabianCJoParkerBearPwilliepW
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 732
    • LIKES
    kimillerT_Bonezzz_monicabeth13beaver83HeyoShellzPetrickSaraValeeGrrldon_haworth
    • 384
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    T_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzValeeGrrldon_haworthMartaEffingcaseytduncanjumpdasharkSocial_Mime
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    "Does this house make my ass look flat?" - Wicked Witch of the East

    • 692
    • LIKES
    PetrickSaraT_Bonezzz_FlyJ_HeyoShellzcaseytduncanhottentotsgotNdeshi_MSardonicTart
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    margoforeheadT_Bonezzz_FlyJ_HeyoShellzcaseytduncanjumpdasharkNdeshi_MSardonicTart
    PortRooster__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 706
    • LIKES
    T_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzJoParkerBearbillyblue71ParchedStarchMartaEffingcaseytduncanhottentotsgot
    • 328
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    T_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzMartaEffingcaseytduncanThe_MartiniGirlJazzzzzminajumpdasharkBluestmoon_
    TINY_TOESIES______emilylimemrtruthandsoul
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt

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