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  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,658
    • FAVS
    ohhhwhoopsJLazySAngusOksanaFitIzzyIlluminatesJTQuestTheBlueSparklesthegeminianJoyLovewell
    • 1,484
    • RETWEETS
    ohhhwhoopsmuneneMnechIzzyIlluminatesthegeminianalexa77_7ms_woodsyKellyConnolly5mattZillaaaa
    Bourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,625
    • FAVS
    ohhhwhoopsJenLand3someonelikesmegbittersuess44jnellbgJTQuestfullcircle40venkaiceprinces
    • 1,233
    • RETWEETS
    ohhhwhoopsBobinhidingmstluvstrinketslucy_nyholm123joekdublinBeeJayCee02jnellbgvenkaiceprinces
    mrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,471
    • FAVS
    ohhhwhoopsJTQuestFisforFaulknervenkaiceprincesms_woodsy1NiteNtheHamptsmattZillaaaacathisamazing
    • 1,007
    • RETWEETS
    ohhhwhoopsvenkaiceprincesmattZillaaaacathisamazingSolelyBsweetcakesbelleKyle131430sweet_pea707__
    Nicholey23
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,468
    • FAVS
    ohhhwhoopsHubertsTaraDenymesanityamazymay72xJaneBadallleavingnehalemmaybejustabumpelphie052179
    • 766
    • RETWEETS
    ohhhwhoopsHubertsTaraamazymay72xbobw1omstluvstrinketsvenkaiceprincesmattZillaaaa_jessicasophia_
    SwartyComedySamDeLanche10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,285
    • FAVS
    chaoticfuckeryHecate41PopSlapFunkthe_anastasiaJTQuestBoscoPorterrockfairydivaBrianIncognito
    • 854
    • RETWEETS
    Hecate41PopSlapFunkJTQuestJoyLovewellwoesofamommattZillaaaacathisamazingfreedom2726
    Halbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,080
    • FAVS
    venkaiceprincesLipikaaaaalexa77_7funnybeachgirlBeerRedditms_woodsyTweetsByTheTonymattZillaaaa
    • 749
    • RETWEETS
    katenuhnvenkaiceprincesima_man_duhmattZillaaaacathisamazingsweet_pea707__favstar_historywickedsuga
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    cathisamazingandyfwhiteded_squirrelArchie_PeppersSondraDeeMeKlemenKolarSTLTinaMH79BrettaApplebaum
    • 727
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazingSolelyBSondraDeeMeSPNNlogicnotanymore112Love4BurritosWICKEDTRUTH01Flyeaglesfly81
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 1,028
    • FAVS
    rdc1978chaoticfuckerymattvatchKVauthrinHecate41ynot4966daphnepotter69PopSlapFunk
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    Hecate41ynot4966JMoore821PopSlapFunkcathisamazingfastmofobansheesweet_pea707__wickedsuga
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 922
    • FAVS
    chaoticfuckeryynot4966Dreviant_PopSlapFunksgtpd75cathisamazingCVTBabyfreedom2726
    • 655
    • RETWEETS
    chaoticfuckeryPopSlapFunkWelles19cathisamazingfavstar_historyNiceLittleWifeSondraDeeMe_theigirl
    MSN2BE
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 763
    • FAVS
    cathisamazingded_squirrelignorantjonsnowShaistaJustinAngryBoobiesPieChordlovemyboots111_theigirl
    • 486
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazingAngryBoobiesPieChordRpeechipkeezylovemyboots111joelpeterdavidjustme_Debbirabbithole423
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 727
    • FAVS
    chaoticfuckeryjamben82ynot4966Dreviant_PopSlapFunksgtpd75LadyjusticeTinefunnybeachgirl
    • 465
    • RETWEETS
    ynot4966PopSlapFunkmax_pad21cathisamazingBoleyngirlySadPerunaProudPapaDuffyAngryBoobies
    SunnySideUp1987Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 687
    • FAVS
    LFCNukeAwk0TacooDreviant_PopSlapFunkmax_pad21dogwillhunt22cathisamazingknownAsDick
    • 406
    • RETWEETS
    PopSlapFunkmax_pad21cathisamazingccccscRegularAssRickkbeard69SondraDeeMe_katelynicole
    DionneMcNutt
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 609
    • FAVS
    cathisamazingded_squirrelSnotgun_theigirlBob_Jankeella__fraserJesKeepSwimmingIAmKashWah
    • 354
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazing_theigirlella__fraserSquizbotcbme69__GreGooglyMooglyCaniacMONKfaceofmultivers
    SgtButtCheeks
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 591
    • FAVS
    WheelyNasty705cathisamazingded_squirrelSnotgunkhromechronicle_theigirlg00phyrachelxcraig
    • 302
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazing_theigirlhazelmotes1jefwin46Eranga_94rabbithole423sandragalusicGina52263819
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 599
    • FAVS
    cathisamazing_opinionateSnotgunSmithmomiowa_theigirlhazelmotes1rangermom05_pamrabbithole423
    • 263
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazingSondraDeeMe_theigirlPalidoConPecashazelmotes1rabbithole42369shadesoftaarJesKeepSwimming
    TINY_TOESIES______emireecrairemrtruthandsoul
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Is the Pumpkin Spice McRib out yet?

    • 500
    • FAVS
    chaoticfuckeryJMoore821Dreviant_PopSlapFunkReticentTurnipAllIstErbAntErfunnybeachgirlmax_pad21
    • 359
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsPopSlapFunkTheFutureCarterFUn_sizeMehAllIstErbAntErmax_pad21Kellyanne622dogwillhunt22
    Adam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

    • 470
    • FAVS
    links0486cathisamazingSadPerunaded_squirrelkhromechronicleVodkaTiem_theigirlDarlainky
    • 303
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazingVodkaTiem_theigirlrangermom05_pamrabbithole423Gina52263819LTP_15TlaxBoy05
    One_FineMess
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole

    • 519
    • FAVS
    Randomchkklinks0486dogwillhunt22cathisamazingded_squirrel_theigirlrabbithole423novicefather
    • 208
    • RETWEETS
    dogwillhunt22cathisamazingrabbithole423novicefatherIAmKashWahElizabethDeMoredivadontcareVodkantots
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers

    • 451
    • FAVS
    chaoticfuckeryPopSlapFunklinks0486cathisamazingMischievousJamjeffram74rabbithole423Sezzamazing
    • 269
    • RETWEETS
    PopSlapFunkcathisamazingMischievousJamrabbithole423JerelCarterun1xphysconovicefatherNdeshi_M
    concretesledge_caperbc75danrgraberRidiculousSheriAdam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tweeting after inhaling helium isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be

    • 477
    • FAVS
    cathisamazingSteveDutzy_theigirlDarlainkyrabbithole423Ndeshi_MSylverKibRohanAlc
    • 198
    • RETWEETS
    cathisamazing_theigirlrabbithole423Ndeshi_M69shadesoftaarSylverKib3rd_darkangelJesKeepSwimming
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt