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  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,749
    • FAVS
    osoplainWornOutMommyshakenbakegurlDrMonicaQuezadaamandajpandaOldUncleDaveOHarmonyRamblesKENDALLKUBAN
    • 1,563
    • RETWEETS
    osoplainWornOutMommyOldUncleDaveOHarmonyRamblessteve_condraWhitehawkJokermorubertazziNikunj_Malik
    Bourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,768
    • FAVS
    shirlo7osoplainWornOutMommyGrunkle_MarcEndlessDigressHarmonyRamblesKENDALLKUBAN19michelle73
    • 1,331
    • RETWEETS
    osoplainsunshyngurlWornOutMommyGrunkle_MarcHarmonyRambles19michelle73breinah10joni_nel
    mrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,536
    • FAVS
    killerswposoplainWornOutMommylucy_nyholm123StellarSupreme1KelliBelleginaod1066Sean_Burgundy_
    • 1,060
    • RETWEETS
    kylie_a_tosoplainWornOutMommylucy_nyholm123kindakookykearaStellarSupremeJacquesWvAAHeartCoreRose
    Nicholey23
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,558
    • FAVS
    osoplainWornOutMommysteve_condra6bird4lethabomaesela1Rainbow__TigerjdforshortAliceDoesDallas
    • 806
    • RETWEETS
    osoplainWornOutMommy6bird4Nponiroslethabomaesela1jdforshortSean_Burgundy_kathleencrocke5
    SwartyComedySamDelanche10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,380
    • FAVS
    karmagirlincaliCLOheadUDSkimsgreatosoplainHarmonyRamblesCelsoPiazziDrollDollCassandrasJack
    • 917
    • RETWEETS
    CLOheadUDSkimsgreatosoplainHarmonyRamblessteve_condraCelsoPiazziYummyYumo_LiloCassandrasJack
    Halbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,122
    • FAVS
    osoplainStellarSupremesweetg35ohhhwhoopsWhosYourVaderSean_Burgundy_Jay__Zimkathleencrocke5
    • 780
    • RETWEETS
    StellarSupremeAuthorKnownMohhhwhoopsSean_Burgundy_astutenewfsoccerskiingmombeall4fungingarail
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,129
    • FAVS
    SeawordGSageVkeyosoplainStellarSupremenovakdesignslethabomaesela1jdforshortsweetg35
    • 769
    • RETWEETS
    SeawordGosoplainAlanSears2StellarSupremenovakdesignslethabomaesela1jdforshortAuthorKnownM
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 1,017
    • FAVS
    osoplainpereguinnmanojgangwar1DaNaLa13Tuppeemanpatty199577KeyenLeeemmakreu
    • 731
    • RETWEETS
    osoplainpereguinnBeverly1996dahtx80g7not2deepNuDaNaLa13Tuppeemanaelizabethb1
    Ideal_VictoriaClarkeMcMakinMSN2BE
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 1,069
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinLurkAtHomeMomRWolickjdforshortsweetg35ohhhwhoopskatygirldreamingettem_gem
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    KristaSigLurkAtHomeMomRWolickjdforshortAuthorKnownMohhhwhoopscantdoitlikeBreLCarr666
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 851
    • FAVS
    JehzikahReallyfamoussBubbablk1CPTWonderfuckDaNaLa13junestar108rickpricHarrison588
    • 547
    • RETWEETS
    ReallyfamoussDaNaLa13Russ24LHarrison588KayAdrianneElizasoul80michestplauren_sandra
    IQuitTwittah__Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 812
    • FAVS
    delicatelittlefunny_bone80DillonGerouxidiosityStellarSupremelethabomaesela1jdforshortBlueMorning3_01
    • 516
    • RETWEETS
    NoWittyNameYetSmooheedStellarSupremelethabomaesela1jdforshortAuthorKnownMvijayrathoda9TXPervNation
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 757
    • FAVS
    JehzikahrantpagesoutrageljenniluvsthedDaNaLa13siddo471SmooheedLurkAtHomeMom
    • 441
    • RETWEETS
    jenniluvsthedLoveAlwaays_CDaNaLa13wimittuCharlottecw65siddo471SmooheedYummyYumo_Lilo
    DionneMcNutt
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 648
    • FAVS
    Jehzikahlethabomaesela1jdforshortnoranutterohhhwhoopsfelixoshea555wetipSean_Burgundy_
    • 378
    • RETWEETS
    lethabomaesela1jdforshortAuthorKnownMvijayrathoda9ohhhwhoopsSean_Burgundy_PeterTbanksastutenewf
    SgtButtCheeks
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 617
    • FAVS
    Jehzikahshimtweetery__MomtoteensMashudu27DannyPaps94OneLastStranger__Lakelandrsnapperjon
    • 313
    • RETWEETS
    shimtweetery__Insane4tranceOneLastStranger__littlelady899welcometomyjulyBook_KrazyTXFunGuy6heatherlou_
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 620
    • FAVS
    Jehzikahsiddo471MadameDeLyteshimtweetery__MomtoteensDannyPaps94OneLastStranger__sgtblueeyes
    • 276
    • RETWEETS
    MadameDeLyteSmooheedshimtweetery__OneLastStranger__littlelady899SerendipityDizljkramon1313Book_Krazy
    TINY_TOESIES______emilylimemrtruthandsoul
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Is the Pumpkin Spice McRib out yet?

    • 518
    • FAVS
    JehzikahSumaneshSaysReallyfamoussTheRealABombPDaNaLa13SmooheedPeterTbanksbecabird
    • 367
    • RETWEETS
    SumaneshSaysDaNaLa13PeterTbanksbecabirdJay__Zimastutenewflovemydogducklittlelady899
    Adam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

    • 503
    • FAVS
    JehzikahSmooheedCallMeBwianJay__Zimastutenewfshimtweetery__MomtoteensOneLastStranger__
    • 321
    • RETWEETS
    shimtweetery__OneLastStranger__littlelady899CindyMHerreraheatherlou_Kiddiecalletzgoterpsrobtfurniture
    One_FineMess
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole

    • 540
    • FAVS
    JehzikahLegend_of_SamnocturnallymeTehNemstermstluvstrinketsJay__Zimshimtweetery__Momtoteens
    • 214
    • RETWEETS
    nocturnallymemstluvstrinketslittlelady899heatherlou_WoManlyAssholeSadieSmithRoksdogwillhunt22cathisamazing
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers

    • 472
    • FAVS
    axenbaneJay__ZimMomtoteensnakedidiotlovemydogducksnapperjonzaneleivy10_ivysgtblueeyes
    • 281
    • RETWEETS
    AlanSears2Jay__Zimlovemydogducksgtblueeyeslittlelady899leiut3nant_Danheatherlou_No_tact_here
    concretesledge_caperbc75danrgraberRidiculousSheriAdam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea".

    It's. Just. Tea.

    • 465
    • FAVS
    JehzikahSan_DovadelicatelittleMadameDeLyteHASDaysSmooheedcheeriolink2claireabelle070
    • 268
    • RETWEETS
    JehzikahBearCovTeaForTeriColeGirlOnedebleech127high7tea7Smooheedcheeriolink2
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt

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