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  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,542
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaVegasGalMaremjbbunsTlaxBoy05MSN2BEMelvinofYorkSquizbotsixfootcandy
    • 1,394
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliamycrixVegasGalMaremjbbunsMSN2BETlaxBoy05sara_ashlynnSquizbot
    Bourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,544
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaAkaCorbindallasLittleJimmy61NACollins707VegasGalMarebdockerythesupermuffTlaxBoy05
    • 1,166
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaAkaCorbindallasNACollins707bourgeoisalienVegasGalMareUnnatiPilankarMSN2BETlaxBoy05
    mrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,386
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaNinsunGHuber138TesLove_FromYesterdayadam_bibiVegasGalMaresoftball4mm
    • 962
    • RETWEETS
    notbedelia2011nkthejodiestmishmashbellebooboo40090569iGreenMonkbourgeoisalienVegasGalMare
    Nicholey23
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,403
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaVegasGalMareMSN2BESquizbotsixfootcandyashlar36RandomManikFattMernandez
    • 729
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaVegasGalMareMSN2BESquizbotAgustiCGcarlykenlatte_dramanoneofyours99
    SwartyComedySamDeLanche10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,230
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaVegasGalMareJennifer_bbwapple_hotmTlaxBoy05MSN2BEBob_JankeSquizbot
    • 814
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaVegasGalMareapple_hotmMSN2BETlaxBoy05SquizbotAZJ97noneofyours99
    Halbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,048
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaHuber138NACollins707yesterdaygirlyMissTholanderVegasGalMareSquizbotsixfootcandy
    • 730
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaNACollins707yesterdaygirlybourgeoisalienVegasGalMareSquizbotBigCPDXAGreaterMonster
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,038
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaTlaxBoy05MSN2BESquizbotEljieLaurenHapaKoleaJenallthingspoeticLackOfShame
    • 700
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaMSN2BETlaxBoy05SquizbotmrkernalscraneenergyLackOfShamemellimelle
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 999
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaTMHDaviskungnepilsungxoJazzieJazzImTheOnlyMeHereNeon_DragonsalemkattMSN2BE
    • 600
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaEmptyKoolAidCupImTheOnlyMeHereNeon_DragonMSN2BETlaxBoy05Squizbotrobbiev427
    TexasVampicehead13__DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 885
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaMSN2BESquizbotHypercraxyjbeebs420slayjones13RandomManikwndrwmn84
    • 625
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaskeptic562000MSN2BESquizbotHypercraxywndrwmn84carlykenronbissel
    MSN2BE
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 747
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaSquizbotsixfootcandyGreGooglyMooglyMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummyGina52263819qwertying
    • 477
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaSquizbotOneFunnyMummymzjaxijOne_FineMessjaggedapeplainjane9erLosLos__
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 674
    • FAVS
    notbedeliaSquizbotHapaKoleaJenskiphoodwinkcbme69IzzyIlluminatesTimben66Pickles5366
    • 439
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaSquizbotcbme69Timben66Pickles5366LackOfShameZombie_KitDefUSK
    SunnySideUp1987Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 604
    • FAVS
    LTP_15dafnerrrdTlaxBoy054ScoreN20BowlsSquizbotsun_sand_oceancbme69sixfootcandy
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    LTP_154ScoreN20BowlsTlaxBoy05Squizbotcbme69amywsbeeTOPLAWDOGziggy_west
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 601
    • FAVS
    Squizbotcbme69sixfootcandySouthernStylin1mrsmauiGreGooglyMooglyMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummy
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    Squizbotcbme69GreGooglyMooglyCaniacMONKfaceofmultiversEightinchgoatmav3y96bhh
    SgtButtCheeks
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 578
    • FAVS
    TlaxBoy05Squizbotcbme69sixfootcandyandyfwhitewendybeth_OneFunnyMummyLeahcar2
    • 294
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05Squizbotcbme69wendybeth_CaniacMONKfaceofmultiversEightinchgoatmav3y
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 589
    • FAVS
    TlaxBoy05Squizbotcbme69GinaRClarksixfootcandyITalkToHorsiesLamontJoeSnarfernini
    • 254
    • RETWEETS
    Stephie_LarkTlaxBoy05Squizbotcbme69sixfootcandyiSaac_So_GSnarferninixxxmollz
    TINY_TOESIES______emireecrairemrtruthandsoul
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

    • 456
    • FAVS
    LTP_15TlaxBoy05SquizbotsixfootcandyOneFunnyMummyCaniacMONKGina52263819paigeofmylife2
    • 297
    • RETWEETS
    LTP_15TlaxBoy05Squizbotsixfootcandymav3yGrandxSupremeLosLos__96bhh
    One_FineMess
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Is the Pumpkin Spice McRib out yet?

    • 431
    • FAVS
    Joann_FactotumSquizbotLackOfShameGreedySocietylllvvvzzzrandomlady74elisabetherapygrantgirl2004
    • 315
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05SquizbotLackOfShamelllvvvzzzmissblissedoutgrantgirl2004c4a2lTheBeerGuy73
    Adam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole

    • 508
    • FAVS
    Stephie_LarkSquizbotOneFunnyMummykathleencrocke5CaniacMONKThatDudeFGina52263819qwertying
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05Squizbotkathleencrocke5CaniacMONKOne_FineMessKKBowlsJay_FrickinLynnTheOneTrueDisco
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers

    • 437
    • FAVS
    SquizbotRaleighTaylor17swollenvoicetpurvis06Hips_DurrDaddyJewmissekayOneFunnyMummy
    • 260
    • RETWEETS
    Squizbotpoppa_sofziggy_westHips_DurrDaddyJewVanKandyEightinchgoatSkiptomyLouise
    concretesledge_caperbc75danrgraberRidiculousSheriAdam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tweeting after inhaling helium isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be

    • 464
    • FAVS
    TlaxBoy05SquizbotGreGooglyMooglythomasakaobamalah420skersGBRSarahScgraves98that_katieallen
    • 189
    • RETWEETS
    TlaxBoy05SquizbotskersGBRTmoney68Eightinchgoatqwertyingekhotchocolatecarlyken
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt