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  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,503
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819katharinepriqwertyingjustpeachymeAntonyPuzzelloCptjohnnoreaditedjcarhoop
    • 1,360
    • RETWEETS
    khamfredqwertyingAnneCreceliusMsRedWritingonelongbenderRealShaughnSunnySideUp1987TheDragonLadySA
    Bourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,514
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819haappypillsrusAntonyPuzzellojackskershyBeautiNDaHulkHam_ham_1smokintongueDat_Girla
    • 1,146
    • RETWEETS
    Gina52263819Bettyadhiambo3mashoori_lalnoneofyours99HedvabOne_FineMessthndrbrd13ScoopMcTail
    mrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,336
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingBeautiNDaHulkattsmcjaySqueeb_Slayermashoori_lalJACKSHAW_RPTalarick6
    • 925
    • RETWEETS
    FarGalaxyqwertyingmashoori_lalalarick6Bldr_JohnOne_FineMessSunnySideUp1987_Swoldier_
    Nicholey23
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,378
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819mz_CrankyPantzattsmcjaySwapnilDfabulaSqueeb_Slayeralarick6mcibtyOne_FineMess
    • 713
    • RETWEETS
    alarick6One_FineMessBhamFoodieLaniBenomorganmissySwartyComedy954LeenOSunnySideUp1987
    SwartyComedySamDeLanche10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,190
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingmz_CrankyPantzSunnySideUp1987Regina_UniverseLurkAtHomeMomAM_Lawerray_marshalls
    • 791
    • RETWEETS
    mz_CrankyPantzshania_nixondurrik2flyySunnySideUp1987mav3yBrianGoodrich1LurkAtHomeMomlittle_hansel
    Halbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,007
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingSunnySideUp1987Regina_UniverseLurkAtHomeMomBrianIncognitogasnerpantsRohitKohli236
    • 695
    • RETWEETS
    LurkAtHomeMomRohitKohli236whaddupbruhhStephy_Ann77myerisedbrianna_mowermwesh22dogwillhunt22
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,009
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819jess_strattonSqueeb_Slayeralarick6One_FineMessSunnySideUp1987karthikbtl741RohitKohli236
    • 674
    • RETWEETS
    Gina52263819Dawlceealarick6One_FineMessRohitKohli236OutOnTheMoorsPee_And_Giggleswhaddupbruhh
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 978
    • FAVS
    AxenbaneGina52263819Tweets_GoneWildJenDollfaceSunnySideUp1987flatbillybarouBook_KrazyTheMightyOak1
    • 588
    • RETWEETS
    AxenbaneGina52263819Tweets_GoneWildflatbillybarouBook_KrazyKerriSnooperwhaddupbruhhStephy_Ann77
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 864
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819KaelaDanaqwertyingmz_CrankyPantzSunnySideUp1987OutOnTheMoorsancykhan0013karthikbtl741
    • 612
    • RETWEETS
    Gina52263819lovealwayslacyqwertyingOutOnTheMoorsFayaz1281RohitKohli236Ally_Herjenniferland_
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 741
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingmz_CrankyPantzSqueeb_SlayermcibtyOne_FineMessSunnySideUp1987jaggedape
    • 474
    • RETWEETS
    mz_CrankyPantzOne_FineMessjaggedapeplainjane9erLosLos__whaddupbruhhray_marshallsehbzsolutely
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 598
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819krishna_vandarrrkstarrrthetouchcoEllaHilder1tigfinsnormancallmemtorts
    • 393
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vandarrrkstarrrtigfinsMikecanrantTweets_GoneWildelliecwistineyJenDollfaceSunnySideUp1987
    SunnySideUp1987Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 588
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819DavidRayDogskeptic67wildandblue2204brianna_mowerDeadlyshoelacesapputtan777thomasrummell
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    mav3ywhaddupbruhhray_marshallsmyerisedTierzaBishopThRealBallsDeeprexaldiguezTheBeerGuy73
    SgtButtCheeks
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 576
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingmz_CrankyPantzjess_strattonmcibtytoungestudOne_FineMessaudreycollins
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    One_FineMesswhaddupbruhhTierzaBishopbrianna_mowerMumbaiKiChokriThRealBallsDeepssstephhh18LMHPhotog
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 567
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingPee_And_GigglesDavidRayDogskeptic67ray_marshallsMyNaughtySide7johnmhty
    • 287
    • RETWEETS
    mav3yanajonessysiewlilywhaddupbruhhray_marshallsmyerisedehbzsolutelyTierzaBishop
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 577
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819mz_CrankyPantzPee_And_Gigglesbob_hollimanbrianna_mowerThRealBallsDeepTheBeerGuy73KKBowls
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    mz_CrankyPantzwhaddupbruhhbrianna_mowerThRealBallsDeepLosLos__afairiesweetear__Cloudmaker420Jay_FrickinLynn
    TINY_TOESIES______emireecrairemrtruthandsoul
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

    • 450
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819paigeofmylife2GrandxSupremeLosLos__dvlsgrounddsherb002ray_marshallsbrianna_mower
    • 293
    • RETWEETS
    mav3yGrandxSupremeLosLos__whaddupbruhhadilmohammed91_MsToshaRaeTierzaBishopmwesh22
    One_FineMess
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole

    • 502
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingbambino345mcibtyOne_FineMessTheBeerGuy73KKBowlsCloudmaker420
    • 196
    • RETWEETS
    One_FineMessKKBowlsJay_FrickinLynnTheOneTrueDiscoHarlemworld94miawkoueSchantzlawEightinchgoat
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers

    • 423
    • FAVS
    TheBeerGuy73CharmandBrainsjamitupinpurdon91JACovington9AnnMitchellMcDCherishMe10InchesPlus
    • 251
    • RETWEETS
    10InchesPlusoutrrracheousSmooheedHarry_CalIahanGoofpoopsLosLos__chuckthemooseLindaInDisguise
    concretesledge_caperbc75danrgraberRidiculousSheriAdam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    "Does this house make my ass look flat?" - Wicked Witch of the East

    • 421
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819ericsshadowdanamalone1RyanRedmond23chrismerrillPee_And_GigglesAngelaLovesNYcarlyken
    • 222
    • RETWEETS
    blondebutterschrismerrillLuceeLouiseekhotchocolatecarlykenSondraDeeMeCharmandBrainsDukEB51
    PortRooster
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tweeting after inhaling helium isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be

    • 452
    • FAVS
    Gina52263819qwertyingPee_And_GigglesTheBeerGuy73luvyourself2day__CharmandBrainsbash_ashx0srbachar
    • 184
    • RETWEETS
    qwertyingekhotchocolatecarlykenluvyourself2day__CharmandBrainsboxhalljohnbureauLuvPug
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt