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  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,533
    • FAVS
    Kelleyfornicatedave_fettingThePsychRNohhmoonchildOrWasItNick_DeBrincatmccoll_kristaTheDailySchmuck
    • 1,385
    • RETWEETS
    TMRoysOrWasItTheDailySchmuckarafatrony97lucy_nyholm123MsRed0622sheilalynnnMishful_Thinkin
    Bourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,530
    • FAVS
    MSMommy6TwistedCrazzy_Leftfield_ThePaigeRandallguessing_lupusMsBishop88DoLaLeeDotborges11
    • 1,159
    • RETWEETS
    MSMommy6_Leftfield_kapils2116AwkwardlySweetMsBishop88DownFrontArtistDoLaLeeDosmile4meli
    mrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,374
    • FAVS
    RJoetteGreGooglyMooglyMistyamberAtgonefishinAGreaterMonsterwendybeth_MSMommy6BDRS_Bootyfett
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    ganeshbrandonGreGooglyMooglyBigCPDXAGreaterMonsterMSMommy6MrsJekyllsHydeWemc77WendyOneFunnyMummy
    Nicholey23
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,393
    • FAVS
    llvvzzwino75Jennifer_bbwre_petedGreGooglyMooglyAGreaterMonsterMSMommy6MrsJekyllsHyde
    • 721
    • RETWEETS
    m_limeywino75re_petedGreGooglyMooglyAGreaterMonsterMSMommy6OneFunnyMummyCaniacMONK
    SwartyComedySamDeLanche10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,219
    • FAVS
    AvalonLeighshagen1123allthingssniceronbisselnewyorkworlddMsNitnotsamandajpandasiempredelilahE
    • 806
    • RETWEETS
    shagen1123ronbisseldsouthRNMsNitnotsnickcage74TheBeerGuy73thysa31the0neand0nlyxb
    Halbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,040
    • FAVS
    thirty212BigCPDXAGreaterMonsterronbisselMrsJekyllsHydeFridaysKeeperstilettophileOneFunnyMummy
    • 724
    • RETWEETS
    BigCPDXAGreaterMonsterronbisselangel25fanFridaysKeeperstilettophileOneFunnyMummyJoblessFucker
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,030
    • FAVS
    A_Bike_GuygawbulANCIENT_MUSICtruegemini13ocatzhowe007MsNitnotsMrsJekyllsHyde
    • 693
    • RETWEETS
    mellimelleA_Bike_GuyNicky_GarlandgawbulPearseEdwardtruegemini13howe007MsNitnots
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 989
    • FAVS
    GreGooglyMooglyvaglaserMsNitnotsMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummyCaniacMONKsnickuousCurtmacklin
    • 593
    • RETWEETS
    robbiev427pio100hazelmotes1priestja76OscartheOrangeAxenbaneGina52263819Tweets_GoneWild
    TexasVampicehead13__DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 875
    • FAVS
    GreGooglyMooglyronbisselMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummychassidy_boggsLa_Rouge_22CaniacMONKnhhabib
    • 618
    • RETWEETS
    ronbisselBuh_Bitcheschassidy_boggsCaniacMONKnhhabibhazelmotes1Gina52263819lovealwayslacy
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 744
    • FAVS
    GreGooglyMooglyMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummyGina52263819qwertyingmzjaxijSqueeb_Slayermcibty
    • 475
    • RETWEETS
    OneFunnyMummymzjaxijOne_FineMessjaggedapeplainjane9erLosLos__96bhhray_marshalls
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 663
    • FAVS
    EllusiveRiamryanboltonnezrorJollyTaxpayerZombie_KitErinEphandyfwhiteDefUSK
    • 432
    • RETWEETS
    Zombie_KitDefUSKre_petedstlavgjoeGreGooglyMooglymoose_chocolateBlueFishermanmissekay
    SunnySideUp1987Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 596
    • FAVS
    amywsbeebonniejeannetxhstweetheartmissusKCteirahraniseDaddyJewb4sageswingcrusader
    • 357
    • RETWEETS
    amywsbeeTOPLAWDOGziggy_westDaddyJewlolawixMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummylosthandle
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 598
    • FAVS
    SouthernStylin1mrsmauiGreGooglyMooglyMrsJekyllsHydeOneFunnyMummySkehmaticserindollieLonerPrincess
    • 349
    • RETWEETS
    GreGooglyMooglyCaniacMONKfaceofmultiversEightinchgoatmav3y96bhhray_marshallsmyerised
    SgtButtCheeks
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 574
    • FAVS
    andyfwhitewendybeth_OneFunnyMummyLeahcar2CaniacMONKtanialunrealEightinchgoatGina52263819
    • 291
    • RETWEETS
    wendybeth_CaniacMONKfaceofmultiversEightinchgoatmav3yanajonessysiewlily96bhh
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 581
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummyhaymaker72B4_UvuEightinchgoatGina52263819mzjaxijPee_And_Gigglesbob_holliman
    • 247
    • RETWEETS
    xxxmollzdshack8Eightinchgoatmzjaxij96bhhbrianna_mowerThRealBallsDeepLosLos__
    TINY_TOESIES______emireecrairemrtruthandsoul
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

    • 452
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummyCaniacMONKGina52263819paigeofmylife2GrandxSupremeLosLos__dvlsgrounddsherb002
    • 293
    • RETWEETS
    mav3yGrandxSupremeLosLos__96bhhadilmohammed91_MsToshaRaeTierzaBishopmwesh22
    One_FineMess
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Is the Pumpkin Spice McRib out yet?

    • 421
    • FAVS
    lllvvvzzzrandomlady74elisabetherapygrantgirl2004Dishy2101misssy_bunXEquusTheSnideOne
    • 308
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzmissblissedoutgrantgirl2004c4a2lTheBeerGuy73HallJ0410raptorscorpionGreGooglyMoogly
    Adam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole

    • 506
    • FAVS
    OneFunnyMummykathleencrocke5CaniacMONKThatDudeFGina52263819qwertyingbambino345mcibty
    • 198
    • RETWEETS
    kathleencrocke5CaniacMONKOne_FineMessKKBowlsJay_FrickinLynnTheOneTrueDiscoHarlemworld94miawkoue
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers

    • 436
    • FAVS
    RaleighTaylor17swollenvoicetpurvis06Hips_DurrDaddyJewmissekayOneFunnyMummyCaniacMONK
    • 259
    • RETWEETS
    poppa_sofziggy_westHips_DurrDaddyJewVanKandyEightinchgoatSkiptomyLouiseComfyTownChroni
    concretesledge_caperbc75danrgraberRidiculousSheriAdam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tweeting after inhaling helium isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be

    • 462
    • FAVS
    GreGooglyMooglythomasakaobamalah420skersGBRSarahScgraves98that_katieallenOneFunnyMummyfaceofmultivers
    • 187
    • RETWEETS
    skersGBRTmoney68Eightinchgoatqwertyingekhotchocolatecarlykenluvyourself2day__CharmandBrains
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt