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There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.
One man's LOL is another man's WTF
I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.
Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.
Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes
If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk
Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.
Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates
Is the Pumpkin Spice McRib out yet?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole
Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers
Tweeting after inhaling helium isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be