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There really is no need to place me up on a pedestal...
any barstool will do
When I said I was "handy", I meant more in an inappropriately groping way... NOT in a fix your washing machine way
I'm at my most fiscally responsible when buying a $50 ticket to the ballpark to take advantage of $1 hotdog night
There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.
One man's LOL is another man's WTF
I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.
Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes
I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other
The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk
Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea".
It's. Just. Tea.
Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.
"Does this house make my ass look flat?" - Wicked Witch of the East
Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates
Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt
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