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  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 1,698
    • FAVS
    charrrllaaToxicWorrierStylishEnvyAnnekinnsmotojtheatherlou_No_tact_hereSchusterJane
    • 1,519
    • RETWEETS
    bevJacksAnnekinnsheatherlou_No_tact_hereSchusterJanesamgeorgesvgerryhatricbrainsdoc
    Bourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 1,696
    • FAVS
    JohnnyBeGooodddhappensindreamscharrrllaagnatmag_The_Medusa_bevJacksAnnekinnsBombay_Martini
    • 1,284
    • RETWEETS
    JohnnyBeGooodddhappensindreamsedbritonbevJacksAnnekinnsBombay_Martiniheatherlou_shell_ward
    mrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,514
    • FAVS
    charrrllaakenzieleighh_StylishEnvyAnnekinnsShamilgoheatherlou_StarryeyedxoTotallyStable
    • 1,036
    • RETWEETS
    TwinaLuAllTheWay_MaeyastheelrStylishEnvyAnnekinnsheatherlou_No_tact_hereSchusterJane
    Nicholey23
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,507
    • FAVS
    charrrllaaToxicWorriertheDanLawlerAnnekinnsheatherlou_No_tact_heremikekelly10x3HRTSMRT
    • 780
    • RETWEETS
    ToxicWorrierAnnekinnsheatherlou_SadieSmithRoksDinoSolankiiAlmae167orbustFeel_Dont_Speak
    SwartyComedySam_From_Kansas10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,328
    • FAVS
    theDanLawlerAnnekinnsmc_funbagsheatherlou_No_tact_hereversysdaleWestbrookRwstevefrigley
    • 878
    • RETWEETS
    KeyenLeeAnnekinnsmc_funbagsheatherlou_No_tact_hereKMejathumbelina2kSadieSmithRoks
    Halbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,098
    • FAVS
    mc_funbagsheatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricversysdaleHRTSMRTSadieSmithRoksnotbradywalter
    • 766
    • RETWEETS
    mc_funbagsheatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricversysdaleSadieSmithRoksFireMedicGA72ivebeensullyd
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,098
    • FAVS
    0rangelicmc_funbagsheatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricversysdalequeenscotinventivegolf
    • 744
    • RETWEETS
    mc_funbagsheatherlou_gerryhatricversysdalecolleensmoke14ambr_grnrWoManlyAssholeGoodCemetarian
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 1,048
    • FAVS
    amifromvenussophied40mc_funbagsheatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricfunnybeachgirlDagaDanzig
    • 626
    • RETWEETS
    amifromvenussophied40mc_funbagsheatherlou_gerryhatricgears_4_meDisasterp1ceSadieSmithRoks
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 955
    • FAVS
    Annekinnsheatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatriclaurenjdbleandra_kamhiBriarSlyMadnessmacalogu
    • 677
    • RETWEETS
    Annekinnsamifromvenusheatherlou_dushnyaoBriarSlyMadnessmademoisellex1HappyHijabbiWestbrookRw
    ClarkeMcMakinMSN2BE
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 784
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricWoManlyAssholeSadieSmithRoksPshizzle45DwnaBMiddleageM
    • 497
    • RETWEETS
    amifromvenusheatherlou_gerryhatricWoManlyAssholeSadieSmithRoksPshizzle45MischievousJam67orbust
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 747
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricSadieSmithRoksRebeccaAspenJustinGuariniDarlaRae12JohnnyNopolis
    • 482
    • RETWEETS
    heatherlou_No_tact_heregerryhatricSadieSmithRoksToodleTweet67orbustDDMAK93WorkingMom86
    IQuitTwittah__Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 717
    • FAVS
    charrrllaaAnnekinnsjessiegoldmoonScienceRanvikkaroniDawn_M_heatherlou_No_tact_here
    • 418
    • RETWEETS
    Misss_Lady_MaamAnnekinnsadilkhan573Dawn_M_heatherlou_gerryhatricBook_KrazySadieSmithRoks
    DionneMcNutt
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 631
    • FAVS
    ArtemisNYCScienceRanwelcometomyjulyCedsDeadDawn_M_jupiterLILYBillKauffRiceRiceBaybee
    • 367
    • RETWEETS
    ScienceRanwelcometomyjulyadilkhan573CedsDeadDawn_M_BlueLoxRoxUrSoxcaminorandyBook_Krazy
    SgtButtCheeks
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 607
    • FAVS
    welcometomyjulyjupiterLILYwaxvixenDeath_BuddyBook_KrazyTXFunGuy6heatherlou_No_tact_here
    • 309
    • RETWEETS
    welcometomyjulyBook_KrazyTXFunGuy6heatherlou_gerryhatriczachv86SadieSmithRokscathisamazing
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 611
    • FAVS
    SerendipityDizldamBC4eva_quoteBook_KrazyBombay_Martiniheatherlou_No_tact_hereNormaRitchie
    • 271
    • RETWEETS
    SerendipityDizljkramon1313Book_KrazyBombay_Martiniheatherlou_LoveMyScionFRSSadieSmithRokshero_ofthenight
    TINY_TOESIES______emireecrairemrtruthandsoul
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Is the Pumpkin Spice McRib out yet?

    • 506
    • FAVS
    BennyT_93esbheatherlou_No_tact_hereXGroverXhero_ofthenightchaoticfuckeryJMoore821
    • 361
    • RETWEETS
    heatherlou_SadieSmithRoksFavstar500FavsPopSlapFunkTheFutureCarterFUn_sizeMehAllIstErbAntErmax_pad21
    Adam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

    • 493
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_krismith4Kiddiecalseanmur30640484momofguppiesletzgoterpsescapereality_2judylp3447
    • 318
    • RETWEETS
    CindyMHerreraheatherlou_Kiddiecalletzgoterpsrobtfurniturejudylp3447ChiSqueezerK__g_nV_g_n
    One_FineMess
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers

    • 463
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_No_tact_hereNotKlingonRedHappyHijabbiThe_Andy_Drewtherealotis3HShep101616crazycatman79
    • 276
    • RETWEETS
    leiut3nant_Danheatherlou_No_tact_hereHappyHijabbiCptHook666SadieSmithRokshero_ofthenightPopSlapFunk
    concretesledge_caperbc75danrgraberRidiculousSheriAdam14
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole

    • 528
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_No_tact_hereagracegrantpridge2000WoManlyAssholeLovelyFiltersSadieSmithRokshero_ofthenight
    • 211
    • RETWEETS
    heatherlou_WoManlyAssholeSadieSmithRoksdogwillhunt22cathisamazingrabbithole423novicefatherIAmKashWah
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea".

    It's. Just. Tea.

    • 444
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_emmatheistWonderMonkey78itspat78josephcopeland1beccamardisbpubandreanusinov
    • 258
    • RETWEETS
    heatherlou_KageSideMattShineychicblogmemphisClam_ChowderrTessaHutchyFollowMeTubingKDonhoops
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt