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  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    There really is no need to place me up on a pedestal...

    any barstool will do

    • 255
    • LIKES
    1Happytwitjjhartingerdata_guybaseballchickieLidLikrjggray39myboots111wyattwhitley3
    • 166
    • RETWEETS
    Nova_Summer1HappytwitjjhartingerFrogertabaseballchickieLidLikrFavstar250jggray39
  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    When I said I was "handy", I meant more in an inappropriately groping way... NOT in a fix your washing machine way

    • 258
    • LIKES
    Captstabbyface1HappytwitTeamSnowbunny69jggray39myboots111JandalizejkroppsMcginnisNiall
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    Captstabbyface1Happytwitjggray39myboots111Favstar250debon7LostGirl2323It_gets_worse
    BigHeb7
  • DBMaxP
    Pinned   Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm at my most fiscally responsible when buying a $50 ticket to the ballpark to take advantage of $1 hotdog night

    • 310
    • LIKES
    jjhartingerjggray39myboots111mydmacbrakinggnusJandalizeJackP153BettieLoves
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    jjhartingerjggray39myboots111JandalizeReillyBarbJackP153lovemydogduckLostGirl2323
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.

    • 2,013
    • LIKES
    1HappytwitmaisonwithapenjjhartingerJandalizeCatherineLMKLostGirl2323_Ash_1206li4mst3w4rt
    • 1,787
    • RETWEETS
    1HappytwitjjhartingerLostGirl2323drhananalhawajli4mst3w4rtWas_I_invertedPressOneForNoTattleTSister
    hottentotsgotBourbon_luv______
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    One man's LOL is another man's WTF

    • 2,015
    • LIKES
    jjhartingerJandalizekprakashwinsJakWitLostGirl2323ClaretChinaInferno_VluvmyADHD
    • 1,547
    • RETWEETS
    jjhartingerLoveYoorFateiamdrogueCatherineLMKLostGirl2323mhrtynDanielCasey23KaKaShi_256
    wittwitbaristamrjohntofu
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

    • 1,826
    • LIKES
    jjhartingerMcginnisNialldebon7Avocadont_14__LostGirl2323Grace_Asher1li4mst3w4rtrocknthepurple
    • 1,230
    • RETWEETS
    jjhartingerdebon7LostGirl2323li4mst3w4rtrocknthepurpleTyZ0nesophienuuttalli_wasnt_looking
    Nicholey23__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

    • 1,751
    • LIKES
    jjhartingerdebon7LostGirl2323maughammomPressOneForNoAJslackie__LoveYoorFateJeannieG40
    • 921
    • RETWEETS
    jjhartingerdebon7LostGirl2323Was_I_invertedAJslackie__LoveYoorFateAmoralAndAngryJeannieG40
    SwartyComedysamfromks10InchesPlus
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

    • 1,599
    • LIKES
    jjhartingerLostGirl2323John26649305PressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlAStahl7Momzilla111Nahdude83
    • 1,067
    • RETWEETS
    jjhartingerLostGirl2323Was_I_invertedRJlovestoreadMomzilla111Nahdude83rockinglittleroAJslackie__
    OneFunnyMummyHalbeerzjunejuly12
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question

    • 1,264
    • LIKES
    LostGirl2323PressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlCap_n_morganAStahl7Nahdude83Slims_Ramblingsbonniejeannetx
    • 881
    • RETWEETS
    LostGirl2323Cap_n_morganNahdude83AJslackie__need_space_LoveYoorFateJeannieG40Manali_Shetye5
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.

    Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around

    • 1,260
    • LIKES
    CatherineLMKLostGirl2323PressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlCap_n_morganMyMrPerfectionNahdude83WineMummy
    • 869
    • RETWEETS
    LoveYoorFateLostGirl2323Cap_n_morganNahdude83WineMummyHeaterhotususReillyBarbmargoforehead
    KatieBurnettfixyourcompass
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes

    • 1,168
    • LIKES
    LostGirl2323PressOneForNoWineMummyneed_space_LoveYoorFatemactx85T_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2u
    • 857
    • RETWEETS
    LostGirl2323PressOneForNoWineMummyLoveYoorFatemactx85DavidDrabble1ReillyBarbmargoforehead
    NaomiGlitterIdeal_VictoriaClarkeMcMakinMSN2BE__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.

    • 1,213
    • LIKES
    CatherineLMKLostGirl2323John26649305maughammomPressOneForNoDayDreamNiteOwlValkyrie48lovelyelves
    • 733
    • RETWEETS
    LostGirl232338CaliberReviewVodkaTiemNahdude83LoveYoorFateReillyBarbT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz
    TexasVampicehead13DudeImShawn
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

    • 1,102
    • LIKES
    kirstymackImajicAnne1HappytwitporncaseiroCatherineLMKLostGirl2323GodOfSealschalberts428
    • 699
    • RETWEETS
    1HappytwitLostGirl2323WICKEDTRUTH01Nahdude83T_Bonezzz_BubbleNuggets2uHeyoShellzthepoetknight__
    IQuitTwittah__Smooheedshay_kinbakeabrosenthal
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other

    • 920
    • LIKES
    HanPesciCatherineLMKdjdcarewMaddrox66fabs13upsmdburginbigbadben1010mirikuincognito
    • 580
    • RETWEETS
    AMediocreIdiotLoveYoorFatedoctorcrazydanmirikuincognitoBlack__ElvisLostGirl2323Nahdude83chad_burns1
    Overdue_Bills
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk

    • 914
    • LIKES
    CatherineLMKNotoliviasteelbitchvilleInferno_VPressOneForNoconover43chad_burns1WineMummy
    • 531
    • RETWEETS
    bitchvilleInferno_VWineMummyLoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzninjadinosaur1MelissaJoy33
    DionneMcNutt
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

    • 747
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoneed_space_LoveYoorFatenathaniel_kleinJoParkerBeartrickortreat_btT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellz
    • 455
    • RETWEETS
    LoveYoorFatenathaniel_kleinJoParkerBearT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzdon_haworthMartaEffingOkieGirl405
    SgtButtCheeks__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Tea without sugar isn't "unsweetened tea".

    It's. Just. Tea.

    • 765
    • LIKES
    1Happytwititunes65SWatson3483Jennzpagedebon7CatherineLMKBigMoonfanshawnahaze
    • 419
    • RETWEETS
    itunes65SWatson3483debon7TheVooJoozebobbibowwomanBigMoonfanshawnahazeutkaye
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.

    • 735
    • LIKES
    CatherineLMKPressOneForNoLoveYoorFatekimillerT_Bonezzz_monicabeth13beaver83HeyoShellz
    • 385
    • RETWEETS
    LoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzValeeGrrldon_haworthMartaEffingcaseytduncanjumpdashark
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    "Does this house make my ass look flat?" - Wicked Witch of the East

    • 698
    • LIKES
    myboots111PressOneForNoLoveYoorFateHolohanTrevorThumbsHeartjust1foolPetrickSaraT_Bonezzz_
    • 353
    • RETWEETS
    myboots111ThumbsHeartjust1foolmargoforeheadT_Bonezzz_FlyJ_HeyoShellzcaseytduncan
    PortRooster__
  • DBMaxP
      Max P @DBMaxP

    Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates

    • 708
    • LIKES
    PressOneForNoLoveYoorFateT_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzJoParkerBearbillyblue71ParchedStarchMartaEffing
    • 328
    • RETWEETS
    T_Bonezzz_HeyoShellzMartaEffingcaseytduncanThe_MartiniGirlJazzzzzminajumpdasharkBluestmoon_
    TINY_TOESIES______emilylimemrtruthandsoul
@DBMaxP

@DBMaxP

Occasionally wrong, but never in doubt

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