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There are 2 types of people: Those that think they are normal, and those that realize there is no such thing.
One man's LOL is another man's WTF
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When beer and cheese isn't the answer... Change the question
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I've seen bacon... I've cooked and eaten bacon... and you turkey bacon... are NOT bacon.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience.
Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Some of my best memories were my worst mistakes
If guys could blow themselves, Twitter would just be a bunch of ladies entertaining each other
Apparently, thumb wrestling isn't an acceptable form of solving an office dispute. Idiots.
Every once in a while I will scroll thru my TL really fast & pretend I'm in that I Love Lucy episode with the conveyor belt & the chocolates
Let's settle this like men... men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Pointless nitpicking is my god given right as an American and an asshole
Tweeting after inhaling helium isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be
The only yoga I'm good at is downward facing drunk
"Does this house make my ass look flat?" - Wicked Witch of the East
Is it too much to ask for a motion-sensored bathroom blower that WON'T make look like I'm conducting an orchestra just to get my hands dry?
Everytime I see loose coins on the floor in front of a vending machine, I wonder if Michael J Fox was there earlier trying to buy a Snickers
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip