Just realized while having dinner the only thing I need to do to get a new car is buy a valet jacket. I have my eye on a new Bentley.

Going mattress shopping, it's always a bit embarrassing when my wife mounts me reverse cowgirl style in the store to get the feel of the bed

I'm hesitant to try the new McLobster sandwich from McDonalds; my wife wasn't too happy when I came home with the McCrabs last year.

At what time is it polite to tell the guy next to me he has no chance of picking up the woman he's been working on for the past 30 minutes

I'll never worry about money as long as I have these 75 gmail invitations and an eBay account.

My wife told me she didn't want me sitting in the recliner all day; she'll be happy to know I took a nap on the couch today.

Can we all agree to water board the leader board

I'm giving up non followers for lent. Just kidding I've been married three times, I can't commit to anything.

I knew I was in trouble when she told me to relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.

Was asked if I was new to Twitter and I said no I've been around the block a few times. I now feel really dirty and need a shower.

Accidentally text my mother "Show me your tits" she said she didn't breast feed me and she's not about to start. This explains a lot.

Apparently I'm drunk and my wife is driving us home. It was nice knowing you all.

I hope my wife completed our taxes correctly; I dropped the soap in the shower three times this morning, I wouldn't last a week in prison.

Tornado watched issued here in Texas, as you can see from my avi I've already moved to my safe area.

Not sure what happened last night but I woke up total naked wearing a Burger King crown.

Teaching my dog how to paw pump; he'll be a hit with the bitches.

At a consignment shop with my wife dropping of some items, I asked where I could find the used panties, it appears that's not funny in here.

Need to go feed the beast, my Mother in Law is in town.

It's Woman's Day and Fat Tuesday; there's a joke in there somewhere, but being the sensitive caring husband I am I'm just leaving it alone.

I'm very disappointed with my son after finding naked pictures of his girlfriend on his phone...I think he can do much better then her.